I was just looking at my pictures folder and came across some pics of my boys. I wonder if they really know how much I love them? There are days were I just want to sit and cry cause I miss them both so much. I realized a couple of weeks ago that this will the 10th Christmas I will be without them. I have missed going to pick out the tree every year with them. Hearing Colby say its this one and then to move to the next and say no it has to be this one. I miss seeing how excited they would get waiting for Santa to arrive. The next morning the looks on their faces to see all the presents under the tree. It always gave me such pure joy, there was nothing better than Christmas morning.
But as life goes on they have grown up. Matthew is 21 and on his own. He is an adult. Colby at 17 is turning into his own man. I wish I could have had them with me all these years but things don’t always go the way you want them to. I am thankful that they have turned out pretty good even if they didn’t live with me. Yes, I missed alot of the special moments. I regret having lost those times. I try to make up for it as best I can. It’s not easy when you know that its your own fault.
I didn’t even want to celebrate Christmas this year. I didn’t want to hear them say I’ll be there and get my hopes up and then they cancel at the last minute like all the past years. I just don’t think my heart can take that kind of pain again. So when my sister said that she wasn’t going to have her kids for Christmas this year I knew the hurt she must of felt. It’s hard to let go.
And live still goes on…..
We are very strong and can take as much as we allow ourselves. The brain remembers so much but the heart feels it all good or bad. My heart has had alot of pain through its life and it always reminds me every day of the things I have done wrong or right and what I have lost and what I have found. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel the need to cry. I don’t do it but I want to. And it isn’t only for the loss but the good in my life.
So, now I am crying…..lol