What really is Christmas?

What Christmas means to me….
As a child I believed in Santa as most kids do. One Christmas I was about 8 and I had looked in “the closet” where all the presents were. I saw what I was getting that year. I realized that Santa wasn’t real and I ruined my own Christmas by looking at the presents. I never did that again!
As the years have gone by things have changed. All the family traditions we had are almost all gone. We don’t give each other gifts anymore since there are way too many of us in the family. I think there is 30 at last count. We do the gift game instead. We used to gather for dinner but now when we do it some of the family is missing. Its been along time since we have had a Christmas dinner together. We all used to go to the Christmas eve church service and watch all the children from Sunday school put on the Christmas play. Now only some of us go. We used to open gifts together at mom and dad’s, now we do it at home with our own children. We have all moved along with the changing traditions wishing that we could go back to when it was all so simple and perfect and still believed in Santa Claus.

As most of you know I have lived without my sons now for a very long time. This will be the 9th year. I have spent many holiday seasons missing them. I always had them after Christmas on the 26th or 27th and then they would go back home before New Years eve. (There has only been one reason for this happening every year and that is all put in one word “BOB”. I won’t go into detail but lets just say he will do what it takes to hurt me over and over again when ever possible.)
So when we have gotten together over the years for our family Christmas dinners I have always been there without my boys. I have always put my smile on and made sure that I didn’t complain or ruin anyone else’s fun. I wanted the family to enjoy themselves and not worry about my life.

Well, this Christmas is supposed to be so great. With dad turning 80 its a big celebration for us all. We are very lucky to have dad and mom still with us. I hope for many more years with them.
I was very excited when I heard that Colby was coming. With Matthew living so close by, it was finally going to be the Christmas I was wanting for so long. I went out and I shopped and had so much fun enjoying the season and letting the Christmas spirit into my heart knowing that all these painful tear-filled Christmas’s would finally be gone and I could be with family and enjoy it like everyone else did. No more smiling and hiding my broken heart.

Last night Colby called and wanted to make sure about the bus schedule so he wouldn’t miss it today. I wrapped the last few presents thinking about all the fun we were going to have.
Well I guess I have to put on that smile and wish everyone happiness one more year.
Colby called this morning and said he wont be here.I don’t have to explain why(BOB).
He will be here on the 27th.When Bob drives down.

I am not going to let this ruin Christmas with Matthew. He will be here and we will have our Christmas dinner together. It will only be us 3 but we will have fun. We’ll cook the turkey and watch Christmas cartoons. We will go to my brothers home to have our family Christmas.
Yes, I had gotten my hopes up again, when I had said I wouldn’t do it this year. But I guess it’s what a mother does. Wishes for her children to come home for Christmas.
Matthew will be here.I’m thankful that I will have him. I have Gregg too and he is who helps me get through these hard times. If it wasn’t for his big shoulders to cry on every season, I don’t think I would even celebrate the holidays at all.

So, I will see it through another year. Next year… who knows what will happen?
Maybe its time to start going to Mexico for Christmas? Or maybe Christmas is over for me? Maybe I need to move on and stop wanting what I can’t have? But, knowing myself as I do, I will most likely get my hopes up to just be let down again. I will survive yet another year. I always do.

I do wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and that you remember what is important at Christmas. You can get everything you wished for under the tree, but it really doesn’t matter. What matters is, who is there to share the special moments.
Family is what gave you life and its what life makes for you.

Merry Christmas to you and your families,
Karin

6 Comments

  1. grandmothergoose

    I’m sitting here crying for you. I was so happy for you; finally you were going to have your boys with you for Christmas. I can’t believe that BOB has done it again! I guess Christmas will not be what we had hoped for, for a number of us this year. I’m so very sorry that your’s was messed up yet again! Love you!

  2. Cynthia

    It is amazing how we allow ourselves to open again and again…hang in there! Your heart is that big for a reason. Enjoy the time you have and one day they will call the shots and you will have them at your table every year…and their kids too!
    Have a wonderful Christmas season and don’t give up on Christmas… It will be good again!

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