real life

Some times I have days where I am feeling very down. A lot of times I’m ok, but today is one of those days where I wish I could crawl back into bed and hide under my blanket and wish for tomorrow to come. Even when tomorrow does come, I don’t know if it will be any better of a day.

I know that when things get tough we all tend to think about things we have done in the past. Some of us can look back and be proud of what we have done with our lives, and others, like me, have very sad memories. When I look back at parts of my life I know that I wasn’t always a good person. I hurt people, family and friends. I made some terrible decisions and paid dearly for many of them. I know that I can never go back and change my past but I can change my life now and my future.

This May will be 9 years since I left that life behind. I left Bob and in doing that, I also lost my kids to him. And before any of you think of me as a bad mother, let me tell you that I did put up a fight for them and I did want them with me. It came down to who had the money to buy off the judge, and it wasn’t me. I had also listened to what Matthew and Colby had wanted, and that was to stay in the house they lived in and it didn’t matter to them if it was me or Bob with them.
So I lost it all. He took my whole world from me.

Since that day I still made some mistakes but I realized that I couldn’t keep going on that road I was on. I have changed my life in many ways. I have tried to make up for things I have said or done that hurt people. I stopped using drugs and now I only drink once in a while on a social level. I used to depend on the booze to get me thru every day. I hated myself for so long. I hated knowing that I left my boys without a mom. Sure they came to visit me whenever Bob would let them. I enjoyed every visit and did all I could to show them that I loved them and that I would always be here when ever they needed me.

Well time has passed and they have grown up. Colby will be graduating this year. I am so very proud of him just as I was when Matthew did it. I know that Colby will make a good life for himself. He is a smart boy. We have had some talks over the years about things he didn’t want to hear. Now he is starting to understand why I left all those years ago. I know that he still has mixed feelings about that time. I think with time he will forgive me for leaving. He has a mom and that is what I did for him. I might not be here now if I would of stayed. What is between Colby and I, will be ok with time.

As for Matthew…Its a whole different story. He is my first born. He has seen much more than Colby. It amazes me how much he is like me but also I see his father in him. He is a good boy. I guess he isn’t a boy anymore. 22 is a man. I want to say more about Matt but where to start?
I love my son no matter what he does. He, just like his brother mean everything to me. They are my blood.

I have gone off track as to what I really wanted to blog about. Anyways…

life goes on…..

4 Comments

  1. grandmothergoose

    We have forgiven you long ago and so will the boys one day!
    With age comes understanding.
    We are just so glad that you were able to change your life around.
    It takes a STRONG person to do what you did and we are proud of you and love you lots!
    Stay strong and we will keep praying for all of you!
    XOXOXO

  2. Cynthia

    i have loved to get to know your sons more as we were older. They are great guys and I think we will all be surprised by them in a couple more years.

  3. Christy Zutautas

    Wow, this is actually the first blog post that has ever made me cry. All you can do is be there for your boys now, let them know how much you love them. Don’t ever let your past define who you are today. Every day is a new beginning. All you can do is try to do your best.
    Like grandmothergoose said…stay strong! All the best…Christy

Leave a Reply