I want to start off by saying “I’m sorry this might be depressing”. I once again did something I am very embarrassed about and ashamed. I made the mistake of drinking. With the drinking comes my anger. I seem to get angry and tend to end up crying or fighting with people. I know better than to drink. I know that I don’t have control over alcohol. Once I start I can’t stop. Yes, I know that I’m an alcoholic. I have known this for 25 years.
As always, I was hungover and felt terrible. I still feel terrible. I spent yesterday in bed. Only to crawl out to use the bathroom. Gregg tried to help me get better. Bringing me water and food. I spent a lot of time watching TV and thinking. Well, I realized a few things. I guess you can say I sort of had a wake up call. With all the thinking I did, there were a few thoughts that stood out.
The first one, I need to quit drinking. This is a big one. I have tried over the years to quit or cut back and I can do it. But it only lasts for a few months and then I go on a binge. I end up in bed feeling terrible and saying I need to stop doing this. My decision has been made. As of now I will not be drinking. I’m sure you have heard people say it before. So I’m going to add this. I’m stopping the drinking, but I am not adding “forever”. Forever is way too long and I know I will not make it. I want to be able to go out and have a fruity cocktail on the beach or a beer on a hot summer day. Instead I am just taking a break. How long of a break? Who knows, might be a year, or it might be longer.
Second, I need to deal with a few personal issues from my past. What does this mean? It’s simple, I have to get over it and move on. How do I do this? Well, I have thought long and hard and I guess this will be a work in progress. I know that my family doesn’t really know everything that happened to me, and I’m not going to dig up the past and talk to any of them about these things. I will go back to what used to help me. I will start writing again.
Third, say good bye. What I mean by this is that I need to close off parts of my life. This is also dealing with memories and past relationships. There are people that are still around here and there that I really don’t want to talk with or hear about. I know that I can’t get away from some of them, but the ones that only cause me sorrow will be getting deleted from my life so that I can be happier.
And the last thing, find happiness with myself. What’s this? Well I asked myself this one over and over. What will make me happy? There are a few thing. Gregg is on the top of the list. He makes me happy. The love that he shows me is pure and truly honest. Its a love that I have never in my life felt so deeply. So I am very lucky. Sunshine, yes sunshine makes me happy. This is a hard one. We don’t get much sun up here in Canada. Maybe, if we are lucky 4 months out of the year. I want to move to Mexico, and this is something we will really have to work hard at to make it come true. I want to be healthy. Oh sure I can put on a good show of looking normal. But I’m tired of being in pain every day. I would give anything to remove all the pain and stop taking all these pills I have. So I am working on this one. I know I can’t be perfect but I sure will give it a try. Religion, this has always been a hard one. I won’t touch this one right now. I will say this, I will be going back.
There you have it. See, I have problems too. My problems may not seem as a big deal to some of you, but for me these have been some major issues that I have been struggling with for a very long time. I have just always put them off and hoped that they would go away. (I have only scratched the surface of my troubles in this post).
I am an emotional person. I feel and think with my heart. Always have. It’s caused me much heartache over my life time. On the other hand, my heart is what has made me do things I might never would have and am thankful that I did. So if I don’t call you or hang out with you for days weeks or months, don’t be offended. Unless you got deleted from my facebook. I’m just trying to move ahead in my life.