Sometimes life is unfair. I havent been blogging much for a couple reasons. First off, I have not been feeling well. My IC has been flaring up every few days. I just cant seem to get control of it. The stress doesnt help. I have also had a bad body itch going on. Looks like it is hives. What causes it? Dont know. On top of that, I have been dizzy the last few days. Ugh! I just cant win here!
So, this is what is making me partly sick. My aunt is in the hospice nearing the end of her battle with colon cancer. I dont know how much long she will hang on. She is a stubborn woman…lol. She wont let go without a fight. I will miss her so much.
Then there is my mom. This is what is so hard to deal with. A few months ago she started having bad headaches. One morning she woke up and her sight was half gone. Over the next couple months it got worse. If I had to guess, I think she has lost about 70% of her sight. She has seen Doctors and had some tests done. They have told her that she has a brain aneurysm and its pushing against her optical nerves. Doctor was surprised that she is still alive. She needs to have another test done to find out if they can do surgery to fix it. If they can do the surgery, she probably wont get her vision back, it could get worse. She could also have a stroke during the surgery. As we all wait for her next appointment, we know she is on borrowed time and that at any given time she can be gone.
So here I sit. Frustrated, angry, sad and tear-less. People are telling me I need to cry. That if I cry I will feel better and be able to handle it. I have tried, but the tears dont come. Maybe I am too angry? Maybe I’m not ready to say goodbye? It’s not fair! Why did this have to happen to mom? and my aunt?
I wish there was someone to blame. Would that help? Probably not.
All I can do is block how I feel and just wake up every morning hoping that mom made it thru the night. I think what really bothers me is that I cant see her when I want. I have no car so that I can just go visit whenever I want. Plus, she is with her sister a lot at the hospice. I know she needs to be there. She is with my sister going to doctors appointments. It just seems that she is never at home. She cant drive anymore. She told me she put away her sewing machine. I guess it’s hard to look at it, knowing how much she loves to sew.
Its interesting how when tragedy hits, we have to give up on certain things in our lives. For me it was my harley. For dad it was the motorhome and now for mom it is her love of sewing. We all have to give up on things as life hits us. I’m sure there are many people who understand this feeling.
There you have it. LIFE. It’s always changing. Today, I wish I could be on a white sandy beach, sipping a fruity drink with my mom in the chair beside me, enjoying her fruity drink. These are the dreams we hope for. If only they could come true.