Christmas Spirit

For the last 2 weeks I have been laid up. I Had started with the Christmas decorations and half way thru I tripped over Duncan. Twisting and landing on my hip so hard that I pulled a muscle. Oh the pain! It was so bad I had to use a cane to walk. After a week of doing absolutely nothing I was finally able to move around and put the cane away. Just as I am starting to feel better, Gregg decides to gift me with his cold. Back to bed I went. I am still sick, my voice sounds like a mouse going thru puberty. My sinuses are a mess, they cant decide whether to clog or drip. I think I have coughed up my lungs and put them back in about a dozen times. Everybody say it with me “thanks Gregg”.

So, it seems my Christmas spirit is no where to be found as of yet. I thought I had found it in a box of old decorations but then it vanished. I even went to some Christmas fairs and still nothing. I am starting to wonder if I will find it this year. I didnt put up the big tree, instead I went with the pink 3 footer. I like it, but I think Gregg is a bit ify on it. I just didnt feel like going thru the hassle of putting it up. Right there, that should tell you that my Christmas spirit is missing.

I was suppose to go out today with my mom and sisters to a Christmas store called Potters then this evening Gregg;s work Christmas party. Had to cancel both. I was hoping that going to Potters I might have found my Christmas spirit there, but not now. I’m really not sure where to look. I have asked all my snow people and they all give me a blank look and say nothing. Duncan has checked his bed numerous times and tho he keeps going back and digging, he still comes up empty.

Maybe I need to make a trip to the Mall? Could it be there? I have yet to do any shopping. To be honest, I dont even have it in me to buy gifts this year. I dont know what to buy for people. I think gift cards is what everyone will be getting from me. Yes, impersonal, but hey, better than nothing.

I think if it snowed it would feel more Christmasy to me.

*sigh*

I think this cold and all the pain I have been enduring for the last few years is finally taking a toll on me. Or maybe I am just having a pity party for myself.

When I am feeling like this, numb and emotionally drained, afraid to take one more step cause that one might actually be the step that rips the screams out of my mind. If I let go of that control, I dont think I would stop crying for months. Instead, I turn to music. It is my healer.( Even listening to Christmas music, I still cant catch the spirit)

I have depended on music to get me thru my tough times. Tonight I will lean on it again. As I sit here and listen to the beautiful voice on Annie Lennox (yes I like her) I realize that I know why the Christmas spirit has not shown itself to me. I am missing someone very special.

“Little Bird”
I look up to the little bird
That glides across the sky
He sings the clearest melody
It makes me want to cry
It makes me want to sit right down
and cry cry cry
I walk along the city streets
So dark with rage and fear
And I…
I wish that I could be that bird
And fly away from here
I wish I had the wings to fly away from here
But my my I feel so low
My my where do I go ?
My my what do I know ?
My my we reap what we sow
They always said that you knew best
But this little bird’s fallen out of that nest now
I’ve got a feeling that it might have been blessed
So I’ve just got to put these wings to test
For I am just a troubled soul
Who’s weighted…
Weighted to the ground
Give me the strength to carry on
Till I can lay this burden down
Give me the strength to lay this burden down down down yeah
Give me the strength to lay it down
But my my I feel so low
My my where do I go ?
My my what do I know ?
My my we reap what we sow
They always said that you knew best
But this little bird’s fallen out of that nest now
I’ve got a feeling that it might have been blessed
So I’ve just got to put these wings to test
Annie Lennox


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