Mixed Emotions

This summer I have connected with some old friends. I make it a rule not to let my past come back into my life. When I do, I usually  end up having nightmares and get stuck in those bad years. Gregg has to listen to me screaming in my sleep or crying. During the day I am unhappy and mopey.

Well, I let some in. I let an old boyfriend back in. I know, big mistake, never let a boyfriend back in. This was different. He was my first, my puppy love. I was 13. I figured it wouldn’t be so bad. I was wrong. We talked, I added him to my facebook. Slowly the memories started to creep back into my head. It’s not that I have bad memories with him, but it was a time of teen turmoil. I was confused. I was running away from home. I ran from him and into a world of drugs and sex and not caring about anything.

Anyways, as we chatted I could feel all those memories creeping back into my head. I was starting to feel depressed and sad. I made the decision to disconnect from him. You have no idea how hard this was for me. I gave up my old life and all the friends connected to it, that was 15 years ago. Since then I have taken on only a couple of friends and even with them I barely talk to. My fear of closeness keeps me from attaching myself emotionally to anyone.

I spent a week just trying to figure out how to write a good-bye letter to him. I finally sent it last night. I felt relief in doing this but also sadness in the fact that I feel he needs a friend to talk to. I just can’t be that friend. I am truly sorry for that. On the good side, I slept through the night, in peace.

Ok so that was the first one.My second one is a bit more complicated. I think i will make a new post for this one.

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