As I was sitting and looking at the TV, I was reminded of my Dad. Listening to the roaring fire on the TV made me think of when I was a child and we were living in Vancouver at the time. We had a fireplace in the basement. Dad sitting there on a foot stool, poking at the fire and adding another piece of wood. During the Christmas season we always had a bowl of mixed nuts on the coffee table. Dad would take some and put them along the edge of the fire and roast them. When they were ready he would pull them out and crack them for us. I can see him in my mind like it was yesterday, grabbing the walnuts and tossing them from hand to hand blowing on it to cool it down. Then putting it on the brick hearth and hitting it with a hammer just enough to crack it open. I would then get the nut pick and pull all the tasty pieces out of the shell. Walnuts were always better when roasted.

As I get older my memories are fading, but every now and then some come back so clearly.

I miss you Dad. Happy Birthday. Today I have put my blue butterfly on my tree. You are with me….always.

So, it seems my Christmas spirit is no where to be found as of yet. I thought I had found it in a box of old decorations but then it vanished. I even went to some Christmas fairs and still nothing. I am starting to wonder if I will find it this year. I didnt put up the big tree, instead I went with the pink 3 footer. I like it, but I think Gregg is a bit ify on it. I just didnt feel like going thru the hassle of putting it up. Right there, that should tell you that my Christmas spirit is missing.

I was suppose to go out today with my mom and sisters to a Christmas store called Potters then this evening Gregg;s work Christmas party. Had to cancel both. I was hoping that going to Potters I might have found my Christmas spirit there, but not now. I’m really not sure where to look. I have asked all my snow people and they all give me a blank look and say nothing. Duncan has checked his bed numerous times and tho he keeps going back and digging, he still comes up empty.

Maybe I need to make a trip to the Mall? Could it be there? I have yet to do any shopping. To be honest, I dont even have it in me to buy gifts this year. I dont know what to buy for people. I think gift cards is what everyone will be getting from me. Yes, impersonal, but hey, better than nothing.

I think if it snowed it would feel more Christmasy to me.

*sigh*

I think this cold and all the pain I have been enduring for the last few years is finally taking a toll on me. Or maybe I am just having a pity party for myself.

When I am feeling like this, numb and emotionally drained, afraid to take one more step cause that one might actually be the step that rips the screams out of my mind. If I let go of that control, I dont think I would stop crying for months. Instead, I turn to music. It is my healer.( Even listening to Christmas music, I still cant catch the spirit)

I have depended on music to get me thru my tough times. Tonight I will lean on it again. As I sit here and listen to the beautiful voice on Annie Lennox (yes I like her) I realize that I know why the Christmas spirit has not shown itself to me. I am missing someone very special.

Today I am feeling not so bad. Just my eyes feel sore. Which is one of the things I must deal with daily. I am lucky that since this happened 10 years ago it has improved to where I can handle my daily aches and pains most of the time. It would just be so nice to be pain free, even if it’s just for one day a month. I have forgotten what its like to have no pain. I even feel the pain when I sleep. I guess this is what I have to live with. We all have problems.

Anyways, there is so much that I have changed in my life. I no long am that rebel I was most of my life. I would have to say that I am a completely different person compared to what I was before. I believe it does make a difference who your friends are (even though I never believed it) and how you choose to live your life. I never thought I would live any kind of a healthy lifestyle. I am trying. Temptation is always lurking in the fridge, the liquor cabinet and the snack cupboard. So glad I quit smoking and dont have that urge.

Then there is religion. This is the big obstacle in my life. Ever since I can remember God has been a HUGE factor in my life. As a child I had to go to Sunday school. Then as I got older church services were added. Every Sunday morning was about 3 hours at church. At 10 I remember our Sunday school teacher scaring us into becoming a Christian. I recall running home and going into my bedroom, locking my door and praying for God to keep me from burning in Hell. I asked him to save me.

I was about 12 when I finally told mom that I didn’t want to go anymore. Dad wasnt going to let that happen. At 13 I rebelled….loudly! I was done following them to church. I didnt see the point in going just to see what everybody was wearing. It was like a fashion show. Who had the best dress and who wore the latest shoes. I just didnt understand any of it. When the Pastor talked, I heard blah blah blah. He could have been speaking English, but I didnt catch a word of it. I stopped going the Sunday after Grandma died. I figured she wasnt going anymore then I wasnt either. (i know its a dumb reason. hey I was a kid!)

Since then I have been fighting, well not fighting but disagreeing with my family, mostly with Mom and Dad about coming back to the church. Over the next 27 years I only attended Christmas eve services and even then missed that for a few years. Then when Dad got sick and he was nearing the end, He started to preach again. He said I needed to be ready for when my time comes. I politely listened and agreed with him. It was a hard thing to do. Religion was one of the biggest wedges between him and I. On his death bed, he couldnt talk anymore, but he still knew what we said. The day before he died I went to see him. He was sleeping. He woke up and looked at me and smiled. At that moment I felt it. I felt the need to tell him that I would see him again. I told him “Dont worry Dad, I’ll see you in heaven. I’m coming there too”. I saw his faded blue eyes lighten up for just that moment and tears start to flow. I hugged him one last time and felt his love. He then looked at Mom pleading for her to come closer. We all hugged for just a moment and then we parted. It was my last moments with him.

It will be 2 years this June that he is gone. I know that I said I would go back , but I have found that I cant go back to that old style religion that the family grew up with. I have recently realized that I am not a Mennonite. This might seem weird to some of the family. I mean, how can I just say that? Well, it wasnt an easy decision. Now that I have let it come out completely, I feel a huge burden lifted. It felt like that first time I sunk my toes into the warm soft white sand of Playa del Carmen’s beach. I felt peace in my heart.

I can now move ahead. I am not fighting that battle anymore. I can find what I really need and I think  I have found it. I am finding my true religion.

It’s been a very long road and that road has had some big pot holes and lots of rocks. Seems the road is changing. No longer the pot holes, and the rocks have turned to gravel. I hope that one day it will be that soft white sand I long for. When that day comes I know I will be at peace with the Sun shining down on me.

To be continued…….

I had a few tears, but they were happy ones. I did bring him a slice of watermelon. Like I said I would. I even took a bite. I’m sure he would of shared. We stayed for a bit and I thought about how much I missed him. I took the first small rock I saw from top of his grave and put it in my pocket. It will travel with me for this year.

I don’t know if I’ll go back again. I know he isn’t there. I know that he is in Heaven. I just hope that Heaven isn’t butting heads with his stubbornness…lol. He always liked to argue that he was right, I was wrong. True, many times he was right.

Anyways, we decided to head over to Mom’s for the afternoon. My brother’s with their wivies and kids also showed up. We had a nice early dinner and chatted for a bit. Then it was time to head home.

Today, I have thought about him again. It’s hard not to cry. I guess that I will always miss him. You only get one real Dad in your life. I’ve lost mine. For those of you that still have your Fathers, make sure that you take the time to get to know him. You might be surprised at what you find in that man.

I can never say thank you enough times for the chance of getting to know my Dad before he died. Thank you.

I wasn’t too sure about doing this post. Then I thought about it and decided I needed to do it.

It’s been a year since my Dad died. It went by fast. It feels like it still just happened. I’m finally at a point where I can say his name without crying or having to leave the room. Ok, not true, I want to cry now. I miss him so much. I realize that I can’t spend Father’s Day with him anymore, but I can think of all the times we spent together.

My first thoughts of him today, when I was young, camping in Penticton. Just Dad and me pigging out on watermelon in the late afternoon, spitting seeds everywhere. Those are very happy memories. Summer vacations were always fun. I miss them.

This past year hasn’t been that easy. Not for any of the family. We all have struggled to move on without him. It’s not easy to get together as a family, especially when we gather at Mom’s place. We sit around the big family dinning table and it always feels like he is missing. He always sat at the head of the table. It now seems that my Brother-in-law has taken the chair. He is the oldest. He has the right to be there. Mom is at the other end, but sometimes she still sits at the side. I guess old habits are hard to break.

My brothers have their moments and I can see that they are still hurting. It will take time. My sister troops along with a smile on her face. I know she is hurting too. She was very close to Dad and being the oldest, she knew Dad the best.

Mom puts up a good front, but we all know that she is still crying. I try not to leave her alone on Sundays. It was always the day her and Dad would spent together. They would call some friends over or go visit someone. They made sure that Sunday’s were to be enjoyed. No working of any kind. So, I call her every Sunday. Sometimes more than once. I’ll call after lunch when I know she will be back from church. They I might call her later to let her know if there is something good on TV.

As for me, well, I am doing pretty good. Yes there are days that I just feel sad and want to cry cause I miss Dad so much. I wish I would of  had more time with him. I’m thankful for the time I did have.

This past Christmas was hard, since it’s also his birthday. We got through it. This is our first Father’s Day without him and we will get through this day too.

I’ve decided that I will remember Dad on this day, but I will not spend the day being sad. I still have Gregg’s Dad. Glen is a great guy. We will be spending the rest of all the Father’s days with him. When he is gone, this “holiday” will be over and never thought about again. Just as it will happen with Mother’s day when Mom is gone.

So here is to all the Father’s out there. Enjoy it!

I will be visiting Dad later this afternoon.

“I’ll be dropping off a slice of watermelon for you, Dad”.

Oh, “and Dad…The sun still brings me your love”.

Image via Wikipedia

Its time again for our annual family Christmas dinner. Every year my Mother’s side of the family gathers at the church gym to celebrate Christmas. Most of us don’t see each other through out the year and this gives us a Chance to catch up.

We all bring some food and have a meal together. The variety is amazing. A potluck is just that, who knows what will show up. We sit and chat and laugh and you can feel the Christmas spirit flowing through the room. The kids play in the gym as we adults sit in the kitchen. And Christmas isn’t Christmas until my Aunt walks in wearing her Christmas vest. Its always a happy time.

This year will be different. We will be gathering, but 2 people will be missing. Dad and Doug. I know that when I wake up on Sunday morning, my thoughts will be on Dad and how Mom will handle the day. She is a strong woman and I know that she will be putting on the smile and be full of Christmas spirit. I also know that deep down inside she will be aching. The first time is always the hardest.

I know my Cousin will have a hard time without her husband Doug there to enjoy this family time. Just like Mom, she is a strong woman and she will be ok too. The families will all be there to comfort both of them, just as we will all comfort each other on this day.

As Christmas is arriving, I know it will get harder day by day for Mom and all us kids. Dad’s Birthday is on Dec.25th. This will be a very sad day. Our first without Dad. I know we will cry that day, but we will also laugh and remember all the good times we had. Plus many more to come.

This year we are also celebrating 40 years in Canada. Mom told me the other day that she still has the bottles of wine from the airplane we were on when we arrived in Canada. I said that this is a good year to open them up. So we are getting together on Dec.20th to celebrate this day.

Mom is also doing a first without Dad this Christmas. She is heading south again. My parents had been snowbirds for about 15 years and gone south for the winter months. The last couple times my brother and his wife have been driving the motorhome since Dad couldn’t do it anymore. So this year the 3 of them are heading out on the 26th. I think it will be good for Mom.

So, as you can see, my mind is here and there today. I am feeling a bit blue. But I’m going to go dig out the tree and turn on some Christmas music and think happy thoughts. Life goes on and we start a new way of Christmas.

Its strange how the smallest things can trigger my tears. Its still hard to talk at length about dad. I have to stop myself before I cry. It gets easier some days, but then there are the days where I cant stop thinking about him.

I will have to stop this post now, I can feel the tears starting. I just wanted to say I miss him. And I`ll get those pictures to the family soon. I just havent been able to look at them.

Thats right, summer is almost gone. We hardly even had a summer this year. Gregg and I did make it to Jericho beach once. The weather has been very different this year. Seems that each year it gets worse. Soon we wont even have a summer. It will just be winter and spring. Just another reason to move to Mexico.

So this friday will be 2 months since dad is gone. Time sure flys. Mom got the keys to her new condo this weekend. Now she is starting on all the reno’s. New flooring and paint. New appliancies in the kitchen. So many little things to get done before she can move in. It will keep her busy.

Gregg and I will be staying home and saving our pennies so that we can return to Mexico again in the near future. I was hoping to go back next year, but it looks like it wont happen. We have to come up with 3000 bucks for our share of a new roof for the condo building. So no more going out for dinners. We have to cut back on everything. Maybe we will make it to Mexico in 2010.

I have some projects I plan to finish this year. I want to get all my scrapbooking done. Get some pictures enlarged for the living room walls. Take out my sewing machine and head to mom’s so she can teach me how to sew since I totally forgot how. Get all our Mexico pictures edited and get the videos off the tapes and on to my pc and burn them to discs. I know there are a few other things I need to do too.

I also want to get back into my yoga and start walking more.

Its still a bit weird to go visit and not see dad sitting in his chair. This was only my second time there since dad passed away. Tomorrow will be a month that he is gone. It doesnt feel like a month. I miss him. Yesterday at the family bbq over at my brother’s house, mom brought the last few items of dad’s clothes. Some belts and ties and jackets. We all took what we thought we could use. I grabbed 3 ties for Gregg. I also got a sweater that dad wore often, but the thing I really wanted was his Cologne. I guess I just want to be able to smell it once in a while. So I dont forget the happiness.

Anyways, the rest of the day Gregg and I will be working on some pictures from out Mexico trip. I’m finally getting some enlarged so I can put them up on my walls. Once its done I’ll take some pics.

I’m going to share with you now what I had to say to my dad at the service.

DAD

There are many memories that I want to share. Its very hard to just pick one. So I wont, instead here are  my flash memories as I sit here and write this.

DAD- When I picture him in mind, I dont see the man he was in his last days. I see a strong man standing tall and proud. A stubborn man, a man full of pride.

Growing up- Dad made sure that the family always had what was needed. He didnt spend money on useless things. He spoiled mom when he could, even if it was something that only cost a dollar or a flower from our garden.

Whistling- He was always whistling. All you had to do to find him was to stop and listen, then follow the sound of his whistling. You would usually end up in the garage or the shed where he would be tinkering around on some unknown project.

I remember dad teaching me how to ride my bicycle, but years later when I came home with my harley, he only had 2 words to say “sell it”. Eventually I did.

Dad and I had some tough years. We fought a lot about things that really dont matter anymore. I made many mistakes, but he was always forgiving.

At the age of 30 I moved back home. I am so thankful that in those 2 years I was able to get to know my dad once again. I learned who the man really was.

When I brought Gregg home, dad welcomed him to the family. I think dad saw something in him even before I did. On our wedding day, dad never stopped smiling. It was the first time in many years that I felt how happy he was for me.

As long as I can remember, dad has always worried about me. Well he doesent have to anymore. I will miss you dad.

Anyways, I’m off to bed now. I need some sleep. I’ll blog again when this is all done.

I have been listening to the music and watching Gregg work on the video of dad for tomorrow and its so hard not to cry. I find that the meer thought of the word “Dad” brings tears to my eyes. I have written what I want to say at the service. I’m not really sure if I will be able to read it. Most likely Gregg will have to do it for me. I will post it on friday.

I thought about what to do about my hair. Should I get it cut, should I put it up or leave it down. I guess in the end it doesnt really matter. I thought about what color nail polish I should wear. Dad always had something to say when I wore a crazy color…lol…should I wear a crazy color tomorrow? He didnt like the purple that looked like I had grapes on my fingers.

I just feel a bit lost and not really sure which way to turn. I’m having a hard time making up my mind on the smallest tasks.

Anyways, it looks like everything is ready for thursday. Just so people know here is the link for my dad`s obituariy. DAD

Well I`m going to go watch tv and fall asleep.

That is the time my dad, Peter Nickel, left us today 5:07pm June 22 2008. We all gathered at the Mission Hospice to be there for mom and just to be a family. Mom is so strong. She is an amazing woman. For those of you that dont know her, she was always at dad’s side and it may of looked like she did what he said, but in truth, she was the boss most of the itme. Like the saying goes ” behind each man stands a good woman” Well something like that. Well My Mom is that good woman. She made my dad be the best he could be. Now she may stand alone, but dad will be with her in her heart. He is with us in all our hearts.

When they came to take him away from the hospice we all watched them take him. It was hard to let go. I cried as did mom and others. I did go see him in his room before hand. He looked so peaceful. His skin was so smooth and wrinkle free. No more pain in his eyes. No more tears. Just rest.

The other day I had told Gregg that Leaving Bob was the best thing I ever did in my life. Yes it was hard, I lost my boys and everything that I had. But leaving him had given me the chance to get to know my dad in a way that I never knew him. In those 2 years that I lived with mom and dad off and on, I got to know my dad again. I had lost that happy father daughter relationship that we had when I was little. Now I got to know the father that my brothers and sister already knew. Its a gift that I will remember always.

He was a stubborn man. We argured and butted heads a lot when I was growing up in my teen years. He didnt like my choices. He always had something to say. He didnt appove of any of my boyfriends. He tried to get along with them. Kieth and Bob since they were the boys fathers. In the end tho, it was Gregg he took in as family. He knew that from the begining that Gregg was the one that would fit with us all. At our wedding he smiled the whole day.

He always say, even up till a couple weeks ago that I was so lucky to have Gregg, that he is a good man. It felt so good to know that Dad apporved of Gregg. He always worried that I wasnt taken care of. On friday when I saw him I told him not to worry. Gregg is taking care of me now and that he will always make sure I was save and happy. Dad had tears of happiness. He wasnt able to say much, but I could tell he was happy. I hugged him and for the first time in many years I really did feel all the love that dad had for me. I told him how much I loved him. It was the first time in 20 years that I had said it to him. I could feel it, we both could feel the pain leave and I was once again dad’s little girl.

So, to finsh this post, which I need to do I have a poem I was to share with you all. Its just something I found online.

Dad

Dad…so many images come to mind
whenever I speak your name;
It seems without you in my life
things will never been the same.

What happened to those lazy days
when I was just a child;
When my life was consumed in you
in your love, and in your smile.

What happened to all those times
when I always looked to you;
No matter what happened in my life
you could make my gray skies blue.

Dad, some days I hear your voice
and turn to see your face;
Yet in my turning…it seems
the sound has been erased.

Dad, who will I turn to for answers
when life does not make sense;
Who will be there to hold me close
when the pieces just don’t fit.

Oh, Dad, if I could turn back time
and once more hear your voice;
I’d tell you that out of all the dads
you would still be my choice.

Please always know I love you
and no one can take your place;
Years may come and go
but your memory will never be erased.

Today, Jesus, as You are listening
in your home above;
Would you go and find my dad
and give him all my love.

this was set up in Dad’s honor at the Hospice.

“Dad, I looked at the sun once you were gone. I felt you warm my face with your love”

The truth is, I wake up in the morning and my first thought is “dad? are you with us today?” I go make coffee, “dad? when was the last time you had a good cup of coffee?” I check my email. I pet the cats “dad loves cats too”. I talk to my friends, “wish I could talk to dad”. Then I sit here and think what to blog about…dad is all I have in my mind. So my posts are about him this week and will be this way till I am ready to move on.

I’m not sure how much more time it will take me to move on. I guess untill Dad finally is gone and I finish all my crying. I have lost people but never someone that means so very much to me. I cant compare this pain in my heart with any other pains I have ever felt before. I have felt my heart break many times in my life but this time, this crack, wont ever be mended.

So I look to the sky on this beautiful day, and smile, for when you are gone, you will be the sunshine that warms me.

Everything went well. I dont really remember much. I did get a pee break half way thru. I snored all the way home. Gregg did take me to Mc’rottens for some fries, a cheesebuger and a milksake, which I gladly gobbled up. I dont think that I have enjoyed a milkskake that much in many years. We got home and I crashed in the bed for a few hours. Had soup for dinner and had to figure out how to chew without biting my tongue off.

As for Dad, he has been moved to the Hospice today. They picked him up at noon. Mom is there with him and will be there over night. I’ll talk with her again tomorrow. I’m really not sure how much longer he is going to last. I just hope that they help him with the pain and that he doesnt have to suffer much longer.

We left and headed back to mom’s. My sister was there watching dad. We had lunch and talked for a while about the funeral arrangements. Then the nurse came by. She made some called to get the pain patch for dad and to get him set up to be brought to the Mission Hospice. He will be moving on Wednesday. I didnt get to see dad today. He was in bed the whole time. I wanted to see him, but at the same time I didnt want to bother him. I will see him in a couple days once he is moved.

All through this day I have been feeling the sun on my face. While in the car or walking outside. And when the sun made me squint cause it was too bright I thought “dad will miss the sun”. He always loved the warm weather. Dont worry dad, I soaked some up for you.

We all gathered around our dad and had a nice family visit. This might be the last time all of us are together to have a meal and laugh and share with him. Mom said he was in a lot of pain this morning and had given him extra meds so that he could share the day with us all. It wasnt easy to be there and not want to cry. I am really going to miss him.

Gregg and I are taking mom to the Mission Hospice tomorrow to take a look and see if its where dad will be spending his last days. I think it will be the best place for him and mom. Tuesday we will be taking her to the Langley Hospice. Actually Gregg will be doing that while I am in the dentist chair for 3 hours. Mom will then decided which place to take dad. She thinks that he will be moving by the end of the week.

Each day is getting worse. All we can do is hope and pray that he doesnt suffer with all the pain for much longer. Even though we want him to stay as long as he can, we know its best that he has to move on. I only hope that he remembers mom right to his last moments. Its ok if he forgets all us kids, as long as he remembers his one true love that has been there through thick and thin the last 55 years.

So this is for you dad…   I know you wont ever read this…  You taught me many things, and of those many things was to be strong and full of life and love and to share it with the world around me.

I love you and thank you for being my Hero.

We also started doing the low-carb diet again to help us get back on track with our weight loss. I’ve lost 5lbs but now its sitting again. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I’m worried that Gregg is just gaining from eating like this. I know he has gained back some of the weight he lost when he was doing the L.A. weightloss plan. I just wish I could help him more, but I know its not up to me. All I can do is make the right foods and hope he does the rest.

I’m a bit nervous about my coming dentist appointment in 2 weeks. I have never been sedated for dental work. Plus I’ve never sat in the chair for 3 hours worth of work. I’m scared of the needles that will be going into my gums. I dont want to feel them. Thats one of the reasons for the pills to make me numb and dumb.

All this and some other things are probably the reason why my stress level is higher and my back is aching. Oh well, such is life and I will live thru it.

Anyways, lets get on a happier note. Its going to be a sunny day! Already 15c out there and suppose to rise to 26! When was the last May long weekend that we had beautiful weather? I dont even remember. Lets hope it stays nice. I think I will replant my 2 plants this afternoon.Yes I only have 2. I only have a bit of sunshine in the condo so lots of real plants wont survive in here. We face east so its only morning sun. Which is fine with me, otherwise it would get too hot in here.

Any plans for the weekend? I dont think we are doing much. Maybe go biking. Go see mom and dad. Was thinking of getting some Chinese take out for dinner and taking it over to the parents tomorrow for dinner. I know dad likes it even if he says he doesnt…lol.