Sad News

Yesterday I found out that a man I knew had died. I was saddened by this news. I really didn’t know him all that well, but it made my heart hurt for him and his family.

I first met him after my neck injury. He was the first one that helped me feel a little bit better. At first I wasn’t willing to let him near me, but after a few visits with him, I was felt that I could trust him. He was my Chiropractor. The first one that I let touch my neck after that horrible Chiropractor (Dana  Gueldner) had injured me.

I saw Jamie for about 2 years and then off and on for another 3. When I started to see this new guy Tony, I found out that they were friends and that Tony was going to be taking over his office while Jamie was sick. Well, Jamie had colon cancer and he couldn’t fight it. He made the effort but in the end it was too much for him.

I remember how happy he was the day his first child was born. I saw him that week and he was on top of the world. That is how I will always remember him. Happy bright eyes with a huge smile on his face. Rest in peace Jamie.


Old Friend Becomes New Again

In 1998 I decided to walk away from the life I was living. It wasnt an easy choice to make. I gave up everything. Long story short, I left because of the abuse and cause I was the one that left, HE got everything. Anyways, I also left behind all the friends.That was easy with most of them.

There was one friend that I had a hard time leaving but I knew I had to. We had been friends since I was pregnant with Colby. We were so close that I thought of her as a sister, She was my family. When she and her family moved out of town, we followed 2 years later and lived a mile apart for 7 years. If we didn’t see each other each day we would at least call to see how our day went. We had some great times together. Taking the kids out or just sitting on the deck having a beer.

About a month ago when I was scanning the last few pics, I came across a photo of her daughter with Matthew. I made a quick decision and did a search on facebook and there she was. I then spent 3 days wondering if I should send her a message. I wasnt sure that she would want to hear from me. I did it anyways. Just letting her know that I have some pics of her and that I would send them to her if she wanted them.

A few weeks later I heard back from her. She was happy to hear from me and she quickly let her mom know. I then had 2 friends requests on my facebook. That was last week. Since then We have talked on the phone a few times and today She was at my door.

We hugged and hugged. We both teared up. Then looked at each other for a minute.  The feeling I had at that moment…I dont even know how to explain it. A broken bond now healed. After being apart for nearly 13 years we have found our way back to each other.

We sat out on the deck and talked. It was a short visit, only an hour. There is so much to talk about. So many things to say, but yet we talked about simple things. It was like we had never parted ways. There is no need to talk about our past. We both know those were crazy times. We lived them. Now its about what the future will hold. I can only hope for a friendship that will be  better than what we had back then.

We have both moved ahead in our lives. She has finally married her long time boyfriend. She also has grandchildren! Her hair is long and she has a few winkles but its still her. I was a bit of a shock for her…lol. I have changed my looks a lot (for the better).

After the hour was up, and it went so quickly, they had to go. Hopefully I will see her soon again. Maybe I will have to visit you next time.

Here’s to making new happy memories and that we never part again. It’s good to have you back, my old friend.


Mixed Emotions

This summer I have connected with some old friends. I make it a rule not to let my past come back into my life. When I do, I usually  end up having nightmares and get stuck in those bad years. Gregg has to listen to me screaming in my sleep or crying. During the day I am unhappy and mopey.

Well, I let some in. I let an old boyfriend back in. I know, big mistake, never let a boyfriend back in. This was different. He was my first, my puppy love. I was 13. I figured it wouldn’t be so bad. I was wrong. We talked, I added him to my facebook. Slowly the memories started to creep back into my head. It’s not that I have bad memories with him, but it was a time of teen turmoil. I was confused. I was running away from home. I ran from him and into a world of drugs and sex and not caring about anything.

Anyways, as we chatted I could feel all those memories creeping back into my head. I was starting to feel depressed and sad. I made the decision to disconnect from him. You have no idea how hard this was for me. I gave up my old life and all the friends connected to it, that was 15 years ago. Since then I have taken on only a couple of friends and even with them I barely talk to. My fear of closeness keeps me from attaching myself emotionally to anyone.

I spent a week just trying to figure out how to write a good-bye letter to him. I finally sent it last night. I felt relief in doing this but also sadness in the fact that I feel he needs a friend to talk to. I just can’t be that friend. I am truly sorry for that. On the good side, I slept through the night, in peace.

Ok so that was the first one.My second one is a bit more complicated. I think i will make a new post for this one.

Moments in Life

Recently I had an old friend try to add me on facebook.  I didnt accept and instead wrote a message back. Telling them that it was nice to see that they are well and good, but that adding them would not be a good idea. I didnt really explain why. I did offer my email if they wanted to get in touch. I assume that wasnt what the person wanted, since I never heard from them. At least I made the effort.

This past week as I was scanning some old photos, I saw one of an old friend’s daughter. I smiled to myself and wondered how she is doing. She must be about 28 years old now. She was beautiful then and I bet she is beautiful now. She was the daughter I never had. She was family, just as her mom was family to me. I set the photo aside and continued with my day.

Both of these instances have been on my mind for over a week now. I go do other things, watch tv, clean the house, take Duncan out, but in the back of my mind I keep feeling this unsettled-ness. Like there is something I need to do, need to fix. Is it because of these two people? I”m not sure.

I have thought about this and I have tried to resolve my issues, but I cant come to a conclusion. Do I need closure from these people? Possibly. Or does it go deeper than just them?

I believe that people in my past should stay in my past. I admit that there are a few people that I would love to see again.I have lost some friends through out my life that I miss dearly. To bring them back into my new world could just end up ruining what I have now. The temptation to find people is always there for me. I want to talk to those that were so important to me.

I did reply to the facebook request and there is no need for me to go any farther, the next step is up to them. As for the little girl in that picture, I found her on facebook. I didnt ask to be her friend. I did send her a message. Just letting her know that I have a few photos from her childhood that I would be happy to send to her. She hasnt responded. I feel that she might never respond. I am ok with that.

So, what do I do with the moments in my life that haunt me? Some are sad, so sad that I get choked up and teary eyed with just one thought. Some make me so angry, but those I can handle. It’s the longing to be with certain friends that I will never see again. The ones that made such a difference in my life. The ones that were there through the tough times. The one that held out that hand that pulled you up and told you that it would be ok.

Do I find them and tell them I miss them?I dont know. Do I want to? Yes. Will I? Probably not.


What are Friends?

Over the past 10 years, I haven’t made many friends. To be honest, I can count them all on one hand. When I left my life with Bob, I also gave up all the people I thought were friends. I did have many. Some were just party people and others came by weekly to hang out for an evening.

I did have a few girl friends that were close. One in particular I talked with and saw almost daily. She and I were very close for about 9 years. We were like sisters. The only time we weren’t together was when we slept. We went to our homes and in the morning we talked again. I would even go keep her company at work. And when she moved away, it wasn’t long and we moved closer.

When I left, I left her behind. It was a very hard thing to do. I really loved her like a sister. We were 2 of a kind. I miss her some days. Other days I don’t. There were a lot of hurt feelings. Some of those feeling of hurt are still there.

The friends I have now are close, but yet at a distance. I’m afraid to get close. I don’t want to get burned again. Yes, there is good reason to be cautious. It’s a long story and I will tell it some other time.

My friends I have now are good people. Most are online people. Since I spend a lot of time online. I meet people as I travel through the online world. Some stay and become friends and others move along after a few days. The ones that stay I chat with daily, even if it’s just to say HI.

The ones I know in the real world I talk with on the phone from time to time. I’m not much for phone chatting. I keep up on Facebook or Email.

But this is about friends. What are they? They are special. Some are good for a laugh and others will give you a shoulder to cry on. There are those that don’t really care either way as long as it’s about them. Some you can have coffee with and chat about the kids and the weather, but never talk about personal things. There are even family members that can be friends, sisters or brothers that you are so close with that you share every secret with them. Then there are the lucky few that you grow up with and stay best friends all your life. That is a rare friend.

I guess over these last 10 years that I have slowly made my life changes; I have found one friend that I will always keep close to my heart. Yes, it’s Gregg. He is my dearest friend that I will always have. Now, I don’t say this easily. It took him a long time to get this close to me. He knew the pain I went through when it comes to friends. Even after we married, I was still not willing to let him in completely. There is still times where I second guess myself. Wondering if letting him know all my secrets is a good idea.

But, I trust him to never use anything against me; so far I was right in my choice of trust. I have made a best friend in him.

So what is a true friend? Honestly? I think we all have true friends in our lives; we just need to look a bit deeper to see them. Sure, you might pick the wrong one and you could get hurt. But isn’t that part of life? We need to make those mistakes so that we can learn from them. Sometimes we make the mistakes again and again. We wonder if we will ever learn not to. It will hurt for a while. Then we do it again. Then it happens, that one person finally shows you what a really friend should be. That is the person you need to hang on to. Keep them close. You will be rewarded with a great friendship that can even outlast a life time.

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What to Say?

I have been wanting to blog, but I just havent had anything to say. I’ve been doing nothing really. Just hanging out with Gregg on his days off and during the week I just do my own thing. I dont have a car so I dont go anywhere unless I’m walking. I havent been walking a lot. I basically just do stuff at home. Whatever I find to do.

I guess if I had more friends I would go out more. I have a few friends, but their lives are different than mine. Some are very busy with little kids, which I dont have. Others are busy with jobs or just running around doing stuff for others. I’m not complaining. I am fine with that. I talk to them and thats good enough. I dont feel the need to have close friends, and the friends I do have are great.

I guess I like my privacy. I like my alone time. Mom says I need more friends and she may be right. For now I dont feel like I do. Most of my friends that I have had through out my life have ended up screwing me over in some way. So I dont let myself get close to anyone. Gregg is the only one that really knows me well. I dont like to share things about me. I guess that is cause too many times people have used what I have said against me. I dont trust people easily. It took a bit of time before I trusted Gregg. I am very glad that I know I can trust him.

I dont need friends that judge me for I did in my life. Those type of people are not worth my time. I think that if you judge a person just because of the clothes they wears or the mistakes they have made in the past then you are a person that I dont need to get to know. I dont judge you, so dont judge me.

Wow, look at that. I had nothing to say and I said all this. Interesting what comes out of my head when I just start to type. I hope that friends and family understand that this isnt directed at any of you. I was just airing out some thoughts.

From a Friend’s Blog

I don’t have any daughters so I didnt get to experience this…

“Mom, did you know that Sally’s wearing a training bra?”

My daughter asks this as we make the trip to see their dad. “Yes,” I answer, hoping my voice carries to the back of the mini. “Her mom told me they’d gotten her a bra.”

“What a bra?” the middle child asks.

“It holds your breasts,” the eldest one informs her, helpfully. “You don’t have any breasts yet.”

You don’t either, sister, I think, but I keep my mouth shut. “Do you know when you’ll get breasts?” I ask instead.

“Soon?” my eldest asks with an inordinate amount of hope.

“You’ll get breasts when you go through puberty,” I announce to the mini in general. Can’t hurt to get everyone educated all at once. “Do you know what else happens when you go through puberty?”

Silence. Has the moment passed, I wonder, glancing back at them in the mirror. “Honey, do you know what else happens when you go through puberty?”

“Mom! I don’t want to talk about this!” Yep, the moment has passed.

But I decide to press on anyway. “During puberty, girls grow breasts, and you’ll start to grow hair in your armpits, and…”

I pause and look back. It’s a lost cause. The eldest has her hands over her ears and is intoning “la-la-la-la-la,” loudly enough to drown out everything else.

But the middle child is still trying to listen. “Mommy!” she shouts over the “la-”ing from the mini’s way-back. “Mommy! We grow hair!”

“Yes honey, when you hit puberty, you’ll grow hair in your armpits and…”

But she’s uninterested in any further details of this magical thing called puberty. She’s made up her mind about what happens, and not even her sister’s noise will dissuade her celebration of new knowledge.

As the “la-”ing rises in volume, the middle child shares that knowledge with her siblings. “Mommy says!” she yells. “Mommy says we have poo-bery! We grow hair! And armpits!”

I’m momentarily stunned. “No baby. You’ll grow hair in your armpits!”

“Right!” she yells. “We grow hair and armpits!”

We’ve arrived at their father’s house, so I concentrate on herding small people out of the mini. Perhaps their dad can help them sort out the intricacies of puberty, if perchance they ask about where all the extra hair and armpits will be growing.

Baby Arrived!

Well my friend Darlene finally had her baby. Logan popped out yesterday morning. I was starting to wonder if he was ever going to show up…LOL Anyways, they are both doing fine and will be back at home some time today. I’m sure she will blog all about it when she gets a free moment.

As for me, lately I have been dealing with a lot of pain thru the old body. Y’all are probably sick of hearing about it. So I will try to be more up beat from now on. I am doing better today. I took those new pills for 2 nights and I slept like a log, dead to the world, but I don’t think I will keep taking them. I didn’t take them last night and I am a lot more clear today. I don’t like pills that make me foggy all day or zap my energy. Starting tomorrow I’m going back to doing my yoga and going to get in shape for the summer. I’m tired of always feeling weak and lazy. On a good note I have lost 20lbs! for me! I have 15 more lbs I want to lose. And I’m gonna do it!