Christmas Dance!

The Letter

Formula for “The Letter Meme”

I don’t really know how to tell you this, but ____1___. I think I realized it ___2___ ___3___ and I saw you ___4___ ___5___. I’m sure you’re ___6___ enough to understand ___7___. I’m returning ___8___ to you, but I’ll keep ___9___ as a memory. You should also know that I ___10___ ___11___ . ___12___,
-Your name-

1. What’s the color of your shirt?
Blue – Our romance is over
Red – Our affair is over
White – I’ll join the monastery
Black – I dislike you
Green – Our horoscope doesn’t match
Grey – You’re a pervert
Yellow – I’m selling myself
Pink – Your nostrils are insulting
Brown – The mafia wants you
No shirt – You’re a loser
Other – I’m in love with your sister

2. Which is your birth month?
January – That night
February – Last year
March – When your dwarf bit me
April – When I tripped on sesame seeds
May – First of May
June – When you put cuffs on me
July – When I threw up
August – When I saw the shrunken head
September – When we skinny dipped
October – When I quoted Santa
November – When your dog ran amok
December – When I changed tennis shoes

3. Which food do you prefer?
Tacos – In your apartment
Pizza – In your camping car
Pasta – Outside of Chicago
Hamburgers – Under the bus
Salad – As you ate enchilada
Chicken – In your closet
Kabob – With Paris Hilton
Fish – In women’s clothing
Sandwiches – At the Hare Krishna graduation
Lasagna – At the mental hospital
Hot dog – Under a state of trance
None of the above – With George Bush and his wife

4. What’s the color of your socks?
Yellow – Hit on
Red – Insult
Black – Ignore
Blue – Knock out
Purple – Pour syrup on
White – Carve your initials into
Grey – Pull the clothes off
Brown – Put leeches on
Orange – Castrate
Pink – Pull the toupee off
Barefoot – Sit on
Other – Drive out

5. What’s the color of your underwear?
Black – My best friend
White – My father
Grey – Bill Clinton
Brown – My fart balloon
Purple – My mustard soufflé
Red – Donald Duck
Blue – My avocado plant
Yellow – My penpal in Ghana
Orange – My Kid Rock-collection
Pink – Manchester United’s goalkeeper
None – My John F. Kennedy-statue
Other – The crazy monk

6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?
Scrubs – Man
O.C. – Emotional
One Tree Hill – Open
Heroes – Frostbitten
Lost – High
House – Scarred
Simpsons – Cowardly
The news – Mongolic
Idol – Masochistic
Family Guy – Senile
Top Model – Middle-class
None of the above – Ashamed

7. Your mood right now?
Happy – How awful I’ve felt
Sad – How boring you are
Bored – That Santa doesn’t exist
Angry – That your pimples are at the last stage
Depressed – That we’re cousins
Excited – That there is no solution to this.
Nervous – The middle-east
Worried – That your Honda sucks
Apathetic – That I did a sex-change
Ashamed – That I’m allergic to your hamster
Cuddly – That I get turned on by garbage men
Overjoyous – That I’m open
Other – That Extreme Home Makeover sucks

8. What’s the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White – Your ring
Yellow – Your love letters
Red – Your Darth Vader-poster
Black – Your tame stone
Blue – The couch cushions
Green – The pictures from LA
Orange – Your false teeth
Brown – Your contact book
Grey – Our matching snoopy-bibs
Purple – Your old lottery coupons
Pink – The cut toenails
Other – Your memories from the military service

9. The first letter of your first name?
A/B – Your photo
C/D – The oil stocks
E/F – Your neighbour Martin
G/H – My virginity
I/J – The results of your blood-sample
K/L – Your left ear
M/N – Your suicide note
O/P – My common sense
Q/R – Your mom
S/T – Your collection of butterflies
U/V – Your criminal record
W/X – David’s tricot outfits
Y/Z – Your grades from college

10. The last letter in your last name?
A/B – Always will remember
C/D – Never will forget
E/F – Always wanted to break
G/H – Never openly mocked
I/J – Always have felt dirty before
K/L – Will tell the authorities about
M/N – Told in my confession today about
O/P – Was interviewed by the Times about
Q/R – Told my psychiatrist about
S/T – Get sick when I think of
U/V – Always will try to forget
W/X – Am better off without
Y/Z – Never liked

11. What do you prefer to drink?
Water- Our friendship
Beer – Senility
Soft drink – A new life as a clone
Soda – The incarnation as an eskimo
Milk – The apartment building
Wine – Cocaine abuse
Cider – A passionate interest for mice
Juice – Oprah Winfrey imitations
Mineral water – Embarrassing rash
Hot chocolate – Eggplant-fetishism
Whisky – To ruin the second world war
Other – To hate the Boston Celtics

12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm regards
USA – Best regards
England – Good luck on your short-term leave from jail
Spain – Go and drown yourself
China – Disgusting regards
Germany – With ease
Japan – Go burn
Greece – Your everlasting enemy
Australia – Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt – Fuck off now
France – In pain
Other – Greetings to your freaky family

I don’t really know how to tell you this, but I’m in love with your sister. I think I realized it  When I quoted Santa At the mental hospital and I saw you Carve your initials into My mustard soufflé. I’m sure you’re Frostbitten enough to understand That Extreme Home Makeover sucks. I’m returning Your ring to you, but I’ll keep Your left ear as a memory. You should also know that I Never openly mocked A new life as a clone . Greetings to your freaky family,


Jesus is a Friend

Getting Fit!

Yes I know

Digging for Gold

I was looking at my stats to see what people searched for on my site and this seems to be the top on the list today.” I swallowed my tooth”….LOL So I decided to go search and see what answers people were getting. I think the best one so far was this one……

“I swallowed my tooth. how long does it take for body to past that tooth. want to recover it. any suggestions?”

“What an awesome question. Please allow me to elaborate.

You won’t pass it. It will say in your stomach and grow tooth trees from which will hatch baby tooth fairies. But if for some reason you do pass it, it will probably chomp on your intestines (since it is a tooth you know) and make big holes and you’ll bleed a lot. That is as long as your tooth doesn’t eat EVERYTHING inside of you.

If it does happen to make it out of you unscathed, you’ll need a wire screen to strain your turds to find the tooth. Get a butter knife and slice your turds up in 1/4″ pieces. Don’t mistake the tooth for a piece of corn though. Then just pop the thing back in your mouth and attach it with some superglue. You should be good to go.”

Benny Lava?

From a Friend’s Blog

I don’t have any daughters so I didnt get to experience this…

“Mom, did you know that Sally’s wearing a training bra?”

My daughter asks this as we make the trip to see their dad. “Yes,” I answer, hoping my voice carries to the back of the mini. “Her mom told me they’d gotten her a bra.”

“What a bra?” the middle child asks.

“It holds your breasts,” the eldest one informs her, helpfully. “You don’t have any breasts yet.”

You don’t either, sister, I think, but I keep my mouth shut. “Do you know when you’ll get breasts?” I ask instead.

“Soon?” my eldest asks with an inordinate amount of hope.

“You’ll get breasts when you go through puberty,” I announce to the mini in general. Can’t hurt to get everyone educated all at once. “Do you know what else happens when you go through puberty?”

Silence. Has the moment passed, I wonder, glancing back at them in the mirror. “Honey, do you know what else happens when you go through puberty?”

“Mom! I don’t want to talk about this!” Yep, the moment has passed.

But I decide to press on anyway. “During puberty, girls grow breasts, and you’ll start to grow hair in your armpits, and…”

I pause and look back. It’s a lost cause. The eldest has her hands over her ears and is intoning “la-la-la-la-la,” loudly enough to drown out everything else.

But the middle child is still trying to listen. “Mommy!” she shouts over the “la-”ing from the mini’s way-back. “Mommy! We grow hair!”

“Yes honey, when you hit puberty, you’ll grow hair in your armpits and…”

But she’s uninterested in any further details of this magical thing called puberty. She’s made up her mind about what happens, and not even her sister’s noise will dissuade her celebration of new knowledge.

As the “la-”ing rises in volume, the middle child shares that knowledge with her siblings. “Mommy says!” she yells. “Mommy says we have poo-bery! We grow hair! And armpits!”

I’m momentarily stunned. “No baby. You’ll grow hair in your armpits!”

“Right!” she yells. “We grow hair and armpits!”

We’ve arrived at their father’s house, so I concentrate on herding small people out of the mini. Perhaps their dad can help them sort out the intricacies of puberty, if perchance they ask about where all the extra hair and armpits will be growing.

Dance Little Man! Dance!