As you all know, I dont work. And you know the reason why, is cause of my neck injury. Since that happened my life has greatly changed. I have made some very big life changes. I used to be what was called a “biker bitch”. Yes, I was. I had the long bleached blonde hair. I wore the sleazy clothes and even had a Harley to go with the look. I smoked, drank and did drugs. Oh yeah, and I had a very dirty mouth.I got the tattoos to remind me every day of what I used to be. I sometimes regret the tattoos, but they are part of who I am.
Anyways, the reason for this post. I have been having many dreams and nightmares the last few weeks. At first I thought they would just go away. Then I realized why I was having them. Colby’s birthday is on Saturday. When ever I think of Colby a lot, I have nightmares of his dad(Bob). Bob seems to find his way into my dreams and ruins them. Colby looks so much like Bob that sometimes it hurts to look at him, but I dont love him any less.
I truly love my boys. I have made many decisions based on them. Many of them still hurt and are hard to think about. If I hadn’t of done the things I did, I would not be alive today.
So last week was 11 years that I have been gone from Bob. It doesn’t seem that long. I guess because he invades my sleep a lot. It’s also 10 years that I have been drug free. In the past 11 years I would have to say I have come full circle. I have slowly found myself. I have changed my hair so many times over these years to find the one I feel comfortable with. I finally just found it last month…lol. I thank my niece for that. I have changed my body. Lost all the weight that had followed me most of my adult life. I had the breast reduction that I had wanted for many years. Now I can go in public and not be ashamed of my size. No need to wear a jacket all the time. I also had the hysterectomy which drastically improved my way of life.
I changed my dirty potty mouth and now “shit” is about the only bad word I use…lol. I also like the word “crap”. My clothes have gone from leathers, black and sleazy to colorful casual patterns. I even own dresses and skirts. As for my look, I am happy with it. I finally like who I see in the mirror.
My stressed, scared and paranoid life is now relaxed, safe and happy. No more looking over my shoulder and wondering who is after me. No more worries about getting hurt. Yes, life has changed.
Now I don’t know if having had this neck injury was a blessing or not, but it definitely made me change. I had no choice. I had to adjust to the new “brain” I was given. I have learned to deal with the constant dizziness. My family has been great over these hard years. Especially mom. But the one I thank the most is Gregg. If he hadn’t of come into my life when he did, I’m not sure where I would be now.
Here I am. In a life that fits me. I have a loving close family. I have a husband that loves me more than all the water in the oceans. I have two grown up boys that love me in spite of leaving them the way I had to. I count myself as very fortunate to have these things and to be able to enjoy them. I am so thankful for every day that I have lived past my 30th birthday. (which I thought would never happen)
Why this post? It sort of went a different route than I had planned…lol I wanted to tell you all about the new business that I am starting. The new step in my life. Finally finding a job that works for me. Oh well, I guess I needed to say all those other things first. Thanks for reading. 🙂