ME

House Full

Our home seems a bit fuller now with Skeeter here. We dont mind, he is a great addition to our family. He is such a happy dog. Soon we will have another dog with us. We have a new foster dog coming this weekend. I sure hope having 2 will work out in a condo. I guess we will have to figure out how to train both of them together. With my bad wrist we will have to each walk a dog.

I do have to say that having Skeeter here has made my dizzies a lot less. I had a couple days this week that were rough, but since he has been here I think I’ve only had about 10 dizzy days in these 2 months. I still have the daily dizzies that I cope with. I can only hope that it will keep getting better.

With the weather getting warmer and the sun setting later, we can now go for walks in the evening. This will be great to help Gregg loose weight and for me to get in shape. All these years of dealing with my dizzies and back pain and so many other health issues, I am starting to feel a bit more in control and able to start doing more. I do have to get my wrist fixed soon. Once that is done I will be able to do so much more. I have an ultrasound on April 30th.

I did start a new project that I have been wanting to do for a while now. I started scanning all the photos in the house. This will be a huge job. It really needs to be done so that I can get rid of all the printed photos. I will keep some and put them in albums, but the rest are going. Once all that is done I have some old VHS tapes that I need to copy to my PC and put on to dvd.

Well I better get to some cleaning. Need to make room for the new dog and have to stay on top of the vacuuming and dusting since Skeeter has a thing about dust. Oh yeah, I cut all my hair off. I wanted to have it short for the summer.

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Been a Long Road

The last couple days I have been feeling a lot of neck and shoulder pains. Those days that I feel it more that usual, I end up thinking about how I got this pain. When I do remember, I still feel a lot of anger and sadness. My anger towards the Chiropractor that did this to me and the sadness I feel that I will have to live with this forever. I guess I have a self pity party for myself. Most of the time I ignore how I feel and try not to get mad, but some days it just stays with me and I am grumpy the whole time. I know that I need to let go of the anger, but it’s so hard. Most of the time I think that I have moved on and forgiven and forgotten. Then the pain and daily dizziness reminds me that I will never be normal. It’s been a long 10 years. Only the last few months have I noticed that the dizziness has calmed to where it’s like a low hum in my head. I know it’s there and I seem to have gotten use to the feeling. There are still moments where I might move too fast and everything will flip side ways, but now it only lasts a few seconds. Where as it use to last a lot longer. I also dont feel like I will vomit when I get dizzy. So, some things have gotten better. I still cant walk a straight line, but I couldnt do that even before the injury…lol

Today I am feeling not so bad. Just my eyes feel sore. Which is one of the things I must deal with daily. I am lucky that since this happened 10 years ago it has improved to where I can handle my daily aches and pains most of the time. It would just be so nice to be pain free, even if it’s just for one day a month. I have forgotten what its like to have no pain. I even feel the pain when I sleep. I guess this is what I have to live with. We all have problems.

Anyways, there is so much that I have changed in my life. I no long am that rebel I was most of my life. I would have to say that I am a completely different person compared to what I was before. I believe it does make a difference who your friends are (even though I never believed it) and how you choose to live your life. I never thought I would live any kind of a healthy lifestyle. I am trying. Temptation is always lurking in the fridge, the liquor cabinet and the snack cupboard. So glad I quit smoking and dont have that urge.

Then there is religion. This is the big obstacle in my life. Ever since I can remember God has been a HUGE factor in my life. As a child I had to go to Sunday school. Then as I got older church services were added. Every Sunday morning was about 3 hours at church. At 10 I remember our Sunday school teacher scaring us into becoming a Christian. I recall running home and going into my bedroom, locking my door and praying for God to keep me from burning in Hell. I asked him to save me.

I was about 12 when I finally told mom that I didn’t want to go anymore. Dad wasnt going to let that happen. At 13 I rebelled….loudly! I was done following them to church. I didnt see the point in going just to see what everybody was wearing. It was like a fashion show. Who had the best dress and who wore the latest shoes. I just didnt understand any of it. When the Pastor talked, I heard blah blah blah. He could have been speaking English, but I didnt catch a word of it. I stopped going the Sunday after Grandma died. I figured she wasnt going anymore then I wasnt either. (i know its a dumb reason. hey I was a kid!)

Since then I have been fighting, well not fighting but disagreeing with my family, mostly with Mom and Dad about coming back to the church. Over the next 27 years I only attended Christmas eve services and even then missed that for a few years. Then when Dad got sick and he was nearing the end, He started to preach again. He said I needed to be ready for when my time comes. I politely listened and agreed with him. It was a hard thing to do. Religion was one of the biggest wedges between him and I. On his death bed, he couldnt talk anymore, but he still knew what we said. The day before he died I went to see him. He was sleeping. He woke up and looked at me and smiled. At that moment I felt it. I felt the need to tell him that I would see him again. I told him “Dont worry Dad, I’ll see you in heaven. I’m coming there too”. I saw his faded blue eyes lighten up for just that moment and tears start to flow. I hugged him one last time and felt his love. He then looked at Mom pleading for her to come closer. We all hugged for just a moment and then we parted. It was my last moments with him.

It will be 2 years this June that he is gone. I know that I said I would go back , but I have found that I cant go back to that old style religion that the family grew up with. I have recently realized that I am not a Mennonite. This might seem weird to some of the family. I mean, how can I just say that? Well, it wasnt an easy decision. Now that I have let it come out completely, I feel a huge burden lifted. It felt like that first time I sunk my toes into the warm soft white sand of Playa del Carmen’s beach. I felt peace in my heart.

I can now move ahead. I am not fighting that battle anymore. I can find what I really need and I think  I have found it. I am finding my true religion.

It’s been a very long road and that road has had some big pot holes and lots of rocks. Seems the road is changing. No longer the pot holes, and the rocks have turned to gravel. I hope that one day it will be that soft white sand I long for. When that day comes I know I will be at peace with the Sun shining down on me.

To be continued…….

Its My Birthday….again

Seems I just had one last year…lol. Wow…42 years old. I cant believe it. Ya know, I’m ok with my age. Sure I’m in my 40’s. Big deal. Soon it will be the 50’s. I just hope I still look young…lol. I think I was lucky and got the young gene in the family. I’m still a hot looking woman…hehe Well at least Gregg says i am and I trust his judgement.

So what am I doing on my special day? Gregg and I are going to have our morning coffee as usual, and then get ready to go over to Mom’s. Pick her up and head to the border. We are going to stop off at Wal-mart and meet up with Mom’s sister Susi for a coffee. After wards we will get back on the road and drive down to Bellis Fair Mall where I will be buying my present. I have been needing new runners and I have decided that I want the Skechers Shape-ups. I hope they help with my back pain and my sore heels when I walk. I sure want to be able to go out walking and not have to stop after 15 minutes from the pain. Its so frustrating to try and get in shape and not have good shoes.

I also need jeans. Since I finally am at my goal weight I need some jeans that I dont have to keep pulling up or have to wear a belt. Plus I dont want stretchy jeans. I cant find any that are normal jeans around here unless they are flared, low riders and cost way too much and I dont do the skinny jean, I just dont like them. I like a boot cut or straight leg and long. At least a 34 inseam. Most are 32 and that is too short for me. But why do jeans have to have lycra in them? I want regular old school jeans…lol

Well maybe I’ll find them at the Mall. After the shopping is done we are going to take mom for some real Mexican food. Gregg and I have both been craving Tacos el Pastor. I want Mom to try them too. I think she will enjoy them.

Well, going to go start dinner. Its House and heroes tonight.

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One Step at a Time

As you all know, I dont work. And you know the reason why, is cause of my neck injury. Since that happened my life has greatly changed. I have made some very big life changes. I used to be what was called a “biker bitch”. Yes, I was. I had the long bleached blonde hair. I wore the sleazy clothes and even had a Harley to go with the look. I smoked, drank and did drugs. Oh yeah, and I had a very dirty mouth.I got the tattoos to remind me every day of what I used to be. I sometimes regret the tattoos, but they are part of who I am.

Anyways, the reason for this post. I have been having many dreams and nightmares the last few weeks. At first I thought they would just go away. Then I realized why I was having them. Colby’s birthday is on Saturday. When ever I think of Colby a lot, I have nightmares of  his dad(Bob). Bob seems to find his way into my dreams and ruins them. Colby looks so much like Bob that sometimes it hurts to look at him, but I dont love him any less.

I truly love my boys. I have made many decisions based on them. Many of them still hurt and are hard to think about. If I hadn’t of done the things I did, I would not be alive today.

So last week was 11 years that I have been gone from Bob. It doesn’t seem that long. I guess because he invades my sleep a lot. It’s also 10 years that I have been drug free. In the past 11 years I would have to say I have come full circle. I have slowly found myself. I have changed my hair so many times over these years to find the one I feel comfortable with. I finally just found it last month…lol. I thank my niece for that. I have changed my body. Lost all the weight that had followed me most of my adult life. I  had the breast reduction that I had wanted for many years. Now I can go in public and not be ashamed of my size. No need to wear a jacket all the time. I also had the hysterectomy which drastically improved my way of life.

I changed my dirty potty mouth and now “shit” is about the only bad word I use…lol. I also like the word “crap”. My clothes have gone from leathers, black and sleazy to colorful casual patterns. I even own dresses and skirts. As for my look, I am happy with it. I finally like who I see in the mirror.

My stressed, scared and paranoid life is now relaxed, safe and happy. No more looking over my shoulder and wondering who is after me. No more worries about getting hurt. Yes, life has changed.

Now I don’t know if having had this neck injury was a blessing or not, but it definitely made me change. I had no choice. I had to adjust to the new “brain” I was given. I have learned to deal with the constant dizziness. My family has been great over these hard years. Especially mom. But the one I thank the most is Gregg. If he hadn’t of come into my life when he did, I’m not sure where I would be now.

Here I am. In a life that fits me. I have a loving close family. I have a husband that loves me more than all the water in the oceans. I have two grown up boys that love me in spite of leaving them the way I had to. I count myself as very fortunate to have these things and to be able to enjoy them. I am so thankful for every day that I have lived past my 30th birthday. (which I thought would never happen)

Why this post? It sort of went a different route than I had planned…lol I wanted to tell you all about the new business that I am starting. The new step in my life. Finally finding a job that works for me. Oh well, I guess I needed to say all those other things first. Thanks for reading. 🙂

Making More Changes

Last week for the friday pic share I put up wallpapers instead of my own pics. Well I’m thinking of doing more. I have a HUGE collection of wallpapers and I thought it would be nice to share them. So on Friday I will start doing this. I want to know if this is something that all my followers would like? Or do you want pics that I have taken? if you want wallpapers, are there any requests for something you would like to see?

Other changes…. As you know I made a choice a couple months ago to take a break from drinking. So far I’m doing great. We did go for lunch  with Gregg’s family last saturday and I had 2 beers. No big deal. See, I can control it when I want too. Anyways, I have been doing fine on that part. The other part is – letting go of my past. This isnt so easy.

I am able to shove my memories into the corner, but then someone crawls out from under a rock and says “hey!” and the past is right there in front of me again. It does get a bit frustrating at times. I mean really, do I want to remember all that shit!?! NO.

As of today, anyone or any bad memories that were in my life before I married Gregg, no longer are a part of my life. I was a virgin bride…lol. Yes I know I have 2 kids, but they are grown up now and I can pretend that Gregg and I adopted them…hehehe

So if you notice that I have removed you from my facebook or my msn, now you know why. You were in my past. I’m sorry if it hurts you but I NEED to be free. I can’t have these memories in my life anymore. I get sad, angry, stressed and I feel like drowning my pain in booze. Plus I take it out on Gregg and he really doesn’t need to hear it.

So that is that! Good-bye past!

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Crap! Stupid IC!

Ever since my IC flared up 3 weeks ago I can’t seem to get control of it. It went away for a couple days but then it was back and its been off and on. I feel ok when I get out of bed but by mid afternoon it seems to start up. I honestly don’t know what it is that is making me hurt?

I’m careful with my food and drinks. I’m not using any makeup or lotions. The only thing I can think of that I have changed is my body wash. I switched to Dove instead of Ivory cause it was on sale. Maybe that is what the problem is? I’ll put it aside for a few days and see if that helps.

This is so frustrating! I can’t do my yoga or do anything that will cause my back to get sore. As soon as my back hurts, my IC gets bad. All I can do right now is lay around. Even sitting in this chair for too long will make my body scream. I really wish there was a cure for IC. I hate it!

OK…let’s relax…calm down. Stress is the killer. No stress. I’m going to get over this. I’m lucky, my pain can be controlled. I just need to figure out what is causing it. So it’s either the Dove body wash or ? Or what? Food? Hmmm…

I think it’s time to go back on my allergy diet. It made a big difference the last time I did it. I had gone 6 months with no pain. I guess I’ll start it again. Not easy to do, but worth it.

Well, thanks for letting me vent….lol

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Finally!

phone

Image by ___federico___ via Flickr

I finally talked to Colby. He has just been too busy to call. When I asked what he was doing, he said “not much”. LOL, ok so he hasn’t been too busy. He just never remembers to call me. Typical for a growing Boy. He wants to come down for a visit, but doesn’t want to miss out any work. He will try to come down for a weekend next month and I told him he has to come down for his Oma’s 75th Birthday in May.

What else? Oh, as you know Gregg and I went to Matt & Bree’s for dinner on Sunday. We had a very nice time. dinner was good and I brought over some leftover Christmas baking that I had in the freezer for dessert. Their place may be small, but they have it organized well. I guess its our turn to have them here for dinner soon.

As for me, I have spent all yesterday afternoon and still now in a bad IC flare-up. I had a a rough night with all the pain. Even been doubling my meds. I’m not sure why it has started up. I think it might be either the ice tea I have been drinking too much of, or the new lotion I have been using, or just the stress of wondering where and what Colby was doing. Well I don’t have to worry about Colby, he is fine.  I’m not drinking any more iced tea and the lotion was returned to the store yesterday. Now I just wait for the flare-up to stop. This could take hours or weeks.

On a happier note…. I have lost a total of 5lbs this month. Gregg has lost 8lbs. Slowly going down for both of us. 🙂

Happy Thoughts

Well yesterday was Valentine’s Day. Gregg and I didn’t do much. Since money is tight we had a nice dinner at home instead of wasting 100.00 at a restaurant. I made arrachera for our dinner, Gregg grilled it. It turned out pretty good, but it was a bit chewy. I think that I will have to beat the crap out of it the next time. The spices tasted good. We added a salad and a baguette.

Before our dinner I had to go see my dentist yet again. I am having problems with one tooth out of the 4 that I had veneers done on. Its amazing how much you really use your front teeth. Even when you are chewing with your molars you still use your front ones. Anyways, I have to get a root canal done. I’ll be going in on March 16th. I will be doing oral sedation again. Why? Well, I need to have a small filling replaced and I need a cleaning. Since I have such a low tolerance for any kind of pain in my mouth its better for me to be doped up. Plus I have the T.M.J. problems and I can’t keep my mouth open for 3 hours. I really don’t want to bite my dentist.

At least the root canal and cleaning are covered by medical. I will have to pay for the sedation which costs about 325.00. Its not that much when you think about it. I’m getting everything done in one sitting instead of having to come back for more visits. After this is all done I will just have to get my night guard made and then do a cleaning once a year. The night guard might have to wait. Medical won’t cover it and I think the whole cost will be close to 500.00. After all that with the dentist, my IC started up. That little bit of stress, thinking about the money and the dental work and what all I will have to do, actually stressed me enough to put me in pain.

So until then its all about the happy thoughts. Happy that I will be free of this tooth pain soon. Happy that is won’t cost too much. What else? Happy that I am feeling better today. The IC is better , but not gone. I had to take my pills yesterday and this morning too. I’m happy its sunny outside. Even though it’s cold. I’m happy I have a comfy bed to go climb into when I am done with this post.

And now I am done!

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New Book

"Earth laughs in flowers."
Image by ginnerobot via Flickr

Yesterday I started writing again. I forgot how much I enjoy it. I have always enjoyed putting pen to paper. As a kid I wrote stories all the time. I even kept a diary for a while. Till mom found it and I stopped. When I moved out I started again after Matthew was born. That stopped a year later when I realized I had no time and was tired from chasing a kid around…lol

Well you get the picture…its been stop and go through out the years. All the personal journals that I have written through my life are gone. At the end of every year I take them and shred them. I guess I don’t need to have anyone find them. I’ve had 4 people read my journals and I was not happy to say the least. So lesson learned..shred them!

I have been seriously thinking about writing a book. I’m not too sure if this is a good idea. I mean if I write a book about my life will people want to read it? Will it be a memory trip I want to take? I would be stepping into some very dark waters. I’m not sure.

Maybe I will just write my story in my journal and keep it for my boys to read once I am gone from this world. These are tough decisions to make. It’s a journey I’m just not sure I want to go on. There are memories that really just need to stay hidden in the past. But then again, are there things that I did in my life that others could learn from?

Hmmm…..

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