memories

Old Friend Becomes New Again

In 1998 I decided to walk away from the life I was living. It wasnt an easy choice to make. I gave up everything. Long story short, I left because of the abuse and cause I was the one that left, HE got everything. Anyways, I also left behind all the friends.That was easy with most of them.

There was one friend that I had a hard time leaving but I knew I had to. We had been friends since I was pregnant with Colby. We were so close that I thought of her as a sister, She was my family. When she and her family moved out of town, we followed 2 years later and lived a mile apart for 7 years. If we didn’t see each other each day we would at least call to see how our day went. We had some great times together. Taking the kids out or just sitting on the deck having a beer.

About a month ago when I was scanning the last few pics, I came across a photo of her daughter with Matthew. I made a quick decision and did a search on facebook and there she was. I then spent 3 days wondering if I should send her a message. I wasnt sure that she would want to hear from me. I did it anyways. Just letting her know that I have some pics of her and that I would send them to her if she wanted them.

A few weeks later I heard back from her. She was happy to hear from me and she quickly let her mom know. I then had 2 friends requests on my facebook. That was last week. Since then We have talked on the phone a few times and today She was at my door.

We hugged and hugged. We both teared up. Then looked at each other for a minute.  The feeling I had at that moment…I dont even know how to explain it. A broken bond now healed. After being apart for nearly 13 years we have found our way back to each other.

We sat out on the deck and talked. It was a short visit, only an hour. There is so much to talk about. So many things to say, but yet we talked about simple things. It was like we had never parted ways. There is no need to talk about our past. We both know those were crazy times. We lived them. Now its about what the future will hold. I can only hope for a friendship that will be  better than what we had back then.

We have both moved ahead in our lives. She has finally married her long time boyfriend. She also has grandchildren! Her hair is long and she has a few winkles but its still her. I was a bit of a shock for her…lol. I have changed my looks a lot (for the better).

After the hour was up, and it went so quickly, they had to go. Hopefully I will see her soon again. Maybe I will have to visit you next time.

Here’s to making new happy memories and that we never part again. It’s good to have you back, my old friend.

 

Moments in Life

Recently I had an old friend try to add me on facebook.  I didnt accept and instead wrote a message back. Telling them that it was nice to see that they are well and good, but that adding them would not be a good idea. I didnt really explain why. I did offer my email if they wanted to get in touch. I assume that wasnt what the person wanted, since I never heard from them. At least I made the effort.

This past week as I was scanning some old photos, I saw one of an old friend’s daughter. I smiled to myself and wondered how she is doing. She must be about 28 years old now. She was beautiful then and I bet she is beautiful now. She was the daughter I never had. She was family, just as her mom was family to me. I set the photo aside and continued with my day.

Both of these instances have been on my mind for over a week now. I go do other things, watch tv, clean the house, take Duncan out, but in the back of my mind I keep feeling this unsettled-ness. Like there is something I need to do, need to fix. Is it because of these two people? I”m not sure.

I have thought about this and I have tried to resolve my issues, but I cant come to a conclusion. Do I need closure from these people? Possibly. Or does it go deeper than just them?

I believe that people in my past should stay in my past. I admit that there are a few people that I would love to see again.I have lost some friends through out my life that I miss dearly. To bring them back into my new world could just end up ruining what I have now. The temptation to find people is always there for me. I want to talk to those that were so important to me.

I did reply to the facebook request and there is no need for me to go any farther, the next step is up to them. As for the little girl in that picture, I found her on facebook. I didnt ask to be her friend. I did send her a message. Just letting her know that I have a few photos from her childhood that I would be happy to send to her. She hasnt responded. I feel that she might never respond. I am ok with that.

So, what do I do with the moments in my life that haunt me? Some are sad, so sad that I get choked up and teary eyed with just one thought. Some make me so angry, but those I can handle. It’s the longing to be with certain friends that I will never see again. The ones that made such a difference in my life. The ones that were there through the tough times. The one that held out that hand that pulled you up and told you that it would be ok.

Do I find them and tell them I miss them?I dont know. Do I want to? Yes. Will I? Probably not.

 

Goodbye Anny

She was a daughter, a sister,wife and mother, aunt, and a friend. She was funny and stubborn. She thought she was right almost every time. Even when she knew she wasnt. She was a strong woman with a huge heart. Tho that heart had a different beat, it was still as big as the world.

I could say so much more about her, but I think I would just like to tell you what I remember. She was my friend more than just my aunt.  She loved me like a daughter. She never held back telling me what she thought. If I did something wrong she made sure to tell me. She helped me when I needed relationship advice. I guess we both had some bumpy roads to travel.

When I was 11 years old, she gave me my first perm. My blond hair turned orange…lol. It’s funny now, but back then it was the end of the world for me. She did try to fix it. Over the years, we all moved here and there and sometimes it seemed that there were too many miles between us. Then a holiday or a special event would gather us all together again, even if it was only for a day. About 15 years ago everyone started to move closer to each other. My mom, and her sister Susi and Anny all lived in walking distance to one another. Every Tuesday we all knew it was “sister’s day”. The 3 of them would go do some food shopping then have lunch and after head to the Mall and convince my Mom that she looked good in everything and that she needed to buy it all…lol Sometimes my sister and I would join them for lunch and shopping. But mostly, it was their day. It was the 3 sisters.

I remember when she first got sick. She survived breast cancer and had dealt with a heart condition most of her life. Then she was injured by a chiropractor, he damaged her neck and balance center. Then a car accident made things worse and finally colon cancer. I know there were other health problems, but I cant think of them at the moment. She had some hard times.

I will miss her. I will miss her at our ladies luncheons and our shopping Mall trips. I will miss her hooking her arm into mine and saying “come, let’s be dizzy”. We understood how it felt in our heads. Both of us suffering the same type of neck injury. It was something that we shared and no one else could. It bonded us closer. Strange how an injury can do that. I will miss sharing that “knowing” look when one of us was dizzy. I could see it in her eyes and she could see it in mine. She would hug me and not need to say anything, she felt my pain as much as I felt hers.

I will miss her laughing at all the silly things we did. We were always the 2 that acted a bit crazy. She was the rebel in her family and I was the one in mine. When it came to religion, we both knew what we wanted. She understood the day I told my Mom that I was not a Mennonite. Secretly she  said “you go girl”, something I will truly miss hearing her say to me.

Now it will be only the 2 sisters on Tuesdays. There will be an empty spot at our ladies luncheons. My dizzy friend is gone. That beautiful big smile will be missed by so many.

I hope that where ever you are now, you are free of all you pain and suffering. Give my Dad a hug, get in the boat and go fishing.

Been a Long Road

The last couple days I have been feeling a lot of neck and shoulder pains. Those days that I feel it more that usual, I end up thinking about how I got this pain. When I do remember, I still feel a lot of anger and sadness. My anger towards the Chiropractor that did this to me and the sadness I feel that I will have to live with this forever. I guess I have a self pity party for myself. Most of the time I ignore how I feel and try not to get mad, but some days it just stays with me and I am grumpy the whole time. I know that I need to let go of the anger, but it’s so hard. Most of the time I think that I have moved on and forgiven and forgotten. Then the pain and daily dizziness reminds me that I will never be normal. It’s been a long 10 years. Only the last few months have I noticed that the dizziness has calmed to where it’s like a low hum in my head. I know it’s there and I seem to have gotten use to the feeling. There are still moments where I might move too fast and everything will flip side ways, but now it only lasts a few seconds. Where as it use to last a lot longer. I also dont feel like I will vomit when I get dizzy. So, some things have gotten better. I still cant walk a straight line, but I couldnt do that even before the injury…lol

Today I am feeling not so bad. Just my eyes feel sore. Which is one of the things I must deal with daily. I am lucky that since this happened 10 years ago it has improved to where I can handle my daily aches and pains most of the time. It would just be so nice to be pain free, even if it’s just for one day a month. I have forgotten what its like to have no pain. I even feel the pain when I sleep. I guess this is what I have to live with. We all have problems.

Anyways, there is so much that I have changed in my life. I no long am that rebel I was most of my life. I would have to say that I am a completely different person compared to what I was before. I believe it does make a difference who your friends are (even though I never believed it) and how you choose to live your life. I never thought I would live any kind of a healthy lifestyle. I am trying. Temptation is always lurking in the fridge, the liquor cabinet and the snack cupboard. So glad I quit smoking and dont have that urge.

Then there is religion. This is the big obstacle in my life. Ever since I can remember God has been a HUGE factor in my life. As a child I had to go to Sunday school. Then as I got older church services were added. Every Sunday morning was about 3 hours at church. At 10 I remember our Sunday school teacher scaring us into becoming a Christian. I recall running home and going into my bedroom, locking my door and praying for God to keep me from burning in Hell. I asked him to save me.

I was about 12 when I finally told mom that I didn’t want to go anymore. Dad wasnt going to let that happen. At 13 I rebelled….loudly! I was done following them to church. I didnt see the point in going just to see what everybody was wearing. It was like a fashion show. Who had the best dress and who wore the latest shoes. I just didnt understand any of it. When the Pastor talked, I heard blah blah blah. He could have been speaking English, but I didnt catch a word of it. I stopped going the Sunday after Grandma died. I figured she wasnt going anymore then I wasnt either. (i know its a dumb reason. hey I was a kid!)

Since then I have been fighting, well not fighting but disagreeing with my family, mostly with Mom and Dad about coming back to the church. Over the next 27 years I only attended Christmas eve services and even then missed that for a few years. Then when Dad got sick and he was nearing the end, He started to preach again. He said I needed to be ready for when my time comes. I politely listened and agreed with him. It was a hard thing to do. Religion was one of the biggest wedges between him and I. On his death bed, he couldnt talk anymore, but he still knew what we said. The day before he died I went to see him. He was sleeping. He woke up and looked at me and smiled. At that moment I felt it. I felt the need to tell him that I would see him again. I told him “Dont worry Dad, I’ll see you in heaven. I’m coming there too”. I saw his faded blue eyes lighten up for just that moment and tears start to flow. I hugged him one last time and felt his love. He then looked at Mom pleading for her to come closer. We all hugged for just a moment and then we parted. It was my last moments with him.

It will be 2 years this June that he is gone. I know that I said I would go back , but I have found that I cant go back to that old style religion that the family grew up with. I have recently realized that I am not a Mennonite. This might seem weird to some of the family. I mean, how can I just say that? Well, it wasnt an easy decision. Now that I have let it come out completely, I feel a huge burden lifted. It felt like that first time I sunk my toes into the warm soft white sand of Playa del Carmen’s beach. I felt peace in my heart.

I can now move ahead. I am not fighting that battle anymore. I can find what I really need and I think  I have found it. I am finding my true religion.

It’s been a very long road and that road has had some big pot holes and lots of rocks. Seems the road is changing. No longer the pot holes, and the rocks have turned to gravel. I hope that one day it will be that soft white sand I long for. When that day comes I know I will be at peace with the Sun shining down on me.

To be continued…….

What are Friends?

Over the past 10 years, I haven’t made many friends. To be honest, I can count them all on one hand. When I left my life with Bob, I also gave up all the people I thought were friends. I did have many. Some were just party people and others came by weekly to hang out for an evening.

I did have a few girl friends that were close. One in particular I talked with and saw almost daily. She and I were very close for about 9 years. We were like sisters. The only time we weren’t together was when we slept. We went to our homes and in the morning we talked again. I would even go keep her company at work. And when she moved away, it wasn’t long and we moved closer.

When I left, I left her behind. It was a very hard thing to do. I really loved her like a sister. We were 2 of a kind. I miss her some days. Other days I don’t. There were a lot of hurt feelings. Some of those feeling of hurt are still there.

The friends I have now are close, but yet at a distance. I’m afraid to get close. I don’t want to get burned again. Yes, there is good reason to be cautious. It’s a long story and I will tell it some other time.

My friends I have now are good people. Most are online people. Since I spend a lot of time online. I meet people as I travel through the online world. Some stay and become friends and others move along after a few days. The ones that stay I chat with daily, even if it’s just to say HI.

The ones I know in the real world I talk with on the phone from time to time. I’m not much for phone chatting. I keep up on Facebook or Email.

But this is about friends. What are they? They are special. Some are good for a laugh and others will give you a shoulder to cry on. There are those that don’t really care either way as long as it’s about them. Some you can have coffee with and chat about the kids and the weather, but never talk about personal things. There are even family members that can be friends, sisters or brothers that you are so close with that you share every secret with them. Then there are the lucky few that you grow up with and stay best friends all your life. That is a rare friend.

I guess over these last 10 years that I have slowly made my life changes; I have found one friend that I will always keep close to my heart. Yes, it’s Gregg. He is my dearest friend that I will always have. Now, I don’t say this easily. It took him a long time to get this close to me. He knew the pain I went through when it comes to friends. Even after we married, I was still not willing to let him in completely. There is still times where I second guess myself. Wondering if letting him know all my secrets is a good idea.

But, I trust him to never use anything against me; so far I was right in my choice of trust. I have made a best friend in him.

So what is a true friend? Honestly? I think we all have true friends in our lives; we just need to look a bit deeper to see them. Sure, you might pick the wrong one and you could get hurt. But isn’t that part of life? We need to make those mistakes so that we can learn from them. Sometimes we make the mistakes again and again. We wonder if we will ever learn not to. It will hurt for a while. Then we do it again. Then it happens, that one person finally shows you what a really friend should be. That is the person you need to hang on to. Keep them close. You will be rewarded with a great friendship that can even outlast a life time.

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Making More Changes

Last week for the friday pic share I put up wallpapers instead of my own pics. Well I’m thinking of doing more. I have a HUGE collection of wallpapers and I thought it would be nice to share them. So on Friday I will start doing this. I want to know if this is something that all my followers would like? Or do you want pics that I have taken? if you want wallpapers, are there any requests for something you would like to see?

Other changes…. As you know I made a choice a couple months ago to take a break from drinking. So far I’m doing great. We did go for lunch  with Gregg’s family last saturday and I had 2 beers. No big deal. See, I can control it when I want too. Anyways, I have been doing fine on that part. The other part is – letting go of my past. This isnt so easy.

I am able to shove my memories into the corner, but then someone crawls out from under a rock and says “hey!” and the past is right there in front of me again. It does get a bit frustrating at times. I mean really, do I want to remember all that shit!?! NO.

As of today, anyone or any bad memories that were in my life before I married Gregg, no longer are a part of my life. I was a virgin bride…lol. Yes I know I have 2 kids, but they are grown up now and I can pretend that Gregg and I adopted them…hehehe

So if you notice that I have removed you from my facebook or my msn, now you know why. You were in my past. I’m sorry if it hurts you but I NEED to be free. I can’t have these memories in my life anymore. I get sad, angry, stressed and I feel like drowning my pain in booze. Plus I take it out on Gregg and he really doesn’t need to hear it.

So that is that! Good-bye past!

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New Book

"Earth laughs in flowers."
Image by ginnerobot via Flickr

Yesterday I started writing again. I forgot how much I enjoy it. I have always enjoyed putting pen to paper. As a kid I wrote stories all the time. I even kept a diary for a while. Till mom found it and I stopped. When I moved out I started again after Matthew was born. That stopped a year later when I realized I had no time and was tired from chasing a kid around…lol

Well you get the picture…its been stop and go through out the years. All the personal journals that I have written through my life are gone. At the end of every year I take them and shred them. I guess I don’t need to have anyone find them. I’ve had 4 people read my journals and I was not happy to say the least. So lesson learned..shred them!

I have been seriously thinking about writing a book. I’m not too sure if this is a good idea. I mean if I write a book about my life will people want to read it? Will it be a memory trip I want to take? I would be stepping into some very dark waters. I’m not sure.

Maybe I will just write my story in my journal and keep it for my boys to read once I am gone from this world. These are tough decisions to make. It’s a journey I’m just not sure I want to go on. There are memories that really just need to stay hidden in the past. But then again, are there things that I did in my life that others could learn from?

Hmmm…..

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Some Days Are Better Than Others

Not sure what it was, but a couple nights ago I was laying in bed watching TV and maybe it was something I saw, but I got flashes of memories of Dad. It’s hard to think about him without getting tears in my eyes. It’s happening now as I type. Yesterday I missed Mom. I felt a real need to talk to her. I didn’t call her since she is in California right now. Then today I can’t stop thinking about Colby and Matthew. How they are grown up and adults now and I missed so much of it.

I guess I’m just a bit emotional this week. I’ve been in so much body pain for the last few weeks. I finally am having some relief today. Maybe that’s why I am emotional? Most days I try to cover my pain. I take painkillers and numb it, and with that comes the numbing of the brain. I don’t have to think or remember. I just do what is needed of me. Some times I feel like a zombie. Living in a haze of nothingness.

I’ve been off my painkillers since Tuesday evening.

Now my brain is awake and working again. I don’t like it. I hate to remember any of my past. There so many bad nightmares that I hate to relive. My head hurts from all the thoughts that are in there. I wish there was a switch to turn it off or a door to close and lock, never to be opened again. I know that can’t happen. What is there, is part of me. It’s what makes me who I am.

I will get past the day and tomorrow will be a new day. Maybe the painful memories will lessen soon. Most likely I will be back on my painkillers and I won’t have to think . Not that I want to take them, I have to. And so the day moves on….