There was one friend that I had a hard time leaving but I knew I had to. We had been friends since I was pregnant with Colby. We were so close that I thought of her as a sister, She was my family. When she and her family moved out of town, we followed 2 years later and lived a mile apart for 7 years. If we didn’t see each other each day we would at least call to see how our day went. We had some great times together. Taking the kids out or just sitting on the deck having a beer.

About a month ago when I was scanning the last few pics, I came across a photo of her daughter with Matthew. I made a quick decision and did a search on facebook and there she was. I then spent 3 days wondering if I should send her a message. I wasnt sure that she would want to hear from me. I did it anyways. Just letting her know that I have some pics of her and that I would send them to her if she wanted them.

A few weeks later I heard back from her. She was happy to hear from me and she quickly let her mom know. I then had 2 friends requests on my facebook. That was last week. Since then We have talked on the phone a few times and today She was at my door.

We hugged and hugged. We both teared up. Then looked at each other for a minute.  The feeling I had at that moment…I dont even know how to explain it. A broken bond now healed. After being apart for nearly 13 years we have found our way back to each other.

We sat out on the deck and talked. It was a short visit, only an hour. There is so much to talk about. So many things to say, but yet we talked about simple things. It was like we had never parted ways. There is no need to talk about our past. We both know those were crazy times. We lived them. Now its about what the future will hold. I can only hope for a friendship that will be  better than what we had back then.

We have both moved ahead in our lives. She has finally married her long time boyfriend. She also has grandchildren! Her hair is long and she has a few winkles but its still her. I was a bit of a shock for her…lol. I have changed my looks a lot (for the better).

After the hour was up, and it went so quickly, they had to go. Hopefully I will see her soon again. Maybe I will have to visit you next time.

Here’s to making new happy memories and that we never part again. It’s good to have you back, my old friend.

This past week as I was scanning some old photos, I saw one of an old friend’s daughter. I smiled to myself and wondered how she is doing. She must be about 28 years old now. She was beautiful then and I bet she is beautiful now. She was the daughter I never had. She was family, just as her mom was family to me. I set the photo aside and continued with my day.

Both of these instances have been on my mind for over a week now. I go do other things, watch tv, clean the house, take Duncan out, but in the back of my mind I keep feeling this unsettled-ness. Like there is something I need to do, need to fix. Is it because of these two people? I”m not sure.

I have thought about this and I have tried to resolve my issues, but I cant come to a conclusion. Do I need closure from these people? Possibly. Or does it go deeper than just them?

I believe that people in my past should stay in my past. I admit that there are a few people that I would love to see again.I have lost some friends through out my life that I miss dearly. To bring them back into my new world could just end up ruining what I have now. The temptation to find people is always there for me. I want to talk to those that were so important to me.

I did reply to the facebook request and there is no need for me to go any farther, the next step is up to them. As for the little girl in that picture, I found her on facebook. I didnt ask to be her friend. I did send her a message. Just letting her know that I have a few photos from her childhood that I would be happy to send to her. She hasnt responded. I feel that she might never respond. I am ok with that.

So, what do I do with the moments in my life that haunt me? Some are sad, so sad that I get choked up and teary eyed with just one thought. Some make me so angry, but those I can handle. It’s the longing to be with certain friends that I will never see again. The ones that made such a difference in my life. The ones that were there through the tough times. The one that held out that hand that pulled you up and told you that it would be ok.

Do I find them and tell them I miss them?I dont know. Do I want to? Yes. Will I? Probably not.

I could say so much more about her, but I think I would just like to tell you what I remember. She was my friend more than just my aunt.  She loved me like a daughter. She never held back telling me what she thought. If I did something wrong she made sure to tell me. She helped me when I needed relationship advice. I guess we both had some bumpy roads to travel.

When I was 11 years old, she gave me my first perm. My blond hair turned orange…lol. It’s funny now, but back then it was the end of the world for me. She did try to fix it. Over the years, we all moved here and there and sometimes it seemed that there were too many miles between us. Then a holiday or a special event would gather us all together again, even if it was only for a day. About 15 years ago everyone started to move closer to each other. My mom, and her sister Susi and Anny all lived in walking distance to one another. Every Tuesday we all knew it was “sister’s day”. The 3 of them would go do some food shopping then have lunch and after head to the Mall and convince my Mom that she looked good in everything and that she needed to buy it all…lol Sometimes my sister and I would join them for lunch and shopping. But mostly, it was their day. It was the 3 sisters.

I remember when she first got sick. She survived breast cancer and had dealt with a heart condition most of her life. Then she was injured by a chiropractor, he damaged her neck and balance center. Then a car accident made things worse and finally colon cancer. I know there were other health problems, but I cant think of them at the moment. She had some hard times.

I will miss her. I will miss her at our ladies luncheons and our shopping Mall trips. I will miss her hooking her arm into mine and saying “come, let’s be dizzy”. We understood how it felt in our heads. Both of us suffering the same type of neck injury. It was something that we shared and no one else could. It bonded us closer. Strange how an injury can do that. I will miss sharing that “knowing” look when one of us was dizzy. I could see it in her eyes and she could see it in mine. She would hug me and not need to say anything, she felt my pain as much as I felt hers.

I will miss her laughing at all the silly things we did. We were always the 2 that acted a bit crazy. She was the rebel in her family and I was the one in mine. When it came to religion, we both knew what we wanted. She understood the day I told my Mom that I was not a Mennonite. Secretly she  said “you go girl”, something I will truly miss hearing her say to me.

Now it will be only the 2 sisters on Tuesdays. There will be an empty spot at our ladies luncheons. My dizzy friend is gone. That beautiful big smile will be missed by so many.

I hope that where ever you are now, you are free of all you pain and suffering. Give my Dad a hug, get in the boat and go fishing.

Today I am feeling not so bad. Just my eyes feel sore. Which is one of the things I must deal with daily. I am lucky that since this happened 10 years ago it has improved to where I can handle my daily aches and pains most of the time. It would just be so nice to be pain free, even if it’s just for one day a month. I have forgotten what its like to have no pain. I even feel the pain when I sleep. I guess this is what I have to live with. We all have problems.

Anyways, there is so much that I have changed in my life. I no long am that rebel I was most of my life. I would have to say that I am a completely different person compared to what I was before. I believe it does make a difference who your friends are (even though I never believed it) and how you choose to live your life. I never thought I would live any kind of a healthy lifestyle. I am trying. Temptation is always lurking in the fridge, the liquor cabinet and the snack cupboard. So glad I quit smoking and dont have that urge.

Then there is religion. This is the big obstacle in my life. Ever since I can remember God has been a HUGE factor in my life. As a child I had to go to Sunday school. Then as I got older church services were added. Every Sunday morning was about 3 hours at church. At 10 I remember our Sunday school teacher scaring us into becoming a Christian. I recall running home and going into my bedroom, locking my door and praying for God to keep me from burning in Hell. I asked him to save me.

I was about 12 when I finally told mom that I didn’t want to go anymore. Dad wasnt going to let that happen. At 13 I rebelled….loudly! I was done following them to church. I didnt see the point in going just to see what everybody was wearing. It was like a fashion show. Who had the best dress and who wore the latest shoes. I just didnt understand any of it. When the Pastor talked, I heard blah blah blah. He could have been speaking English, but I didnt catch a word of it. I stopped going the Sunday after Grandma died. I figured she wasnt going anymore then I wasnt either. (i know its a dumb reason. hey I was a kid!)

Since then I have been fighting, well not fighting but disagreeing with my family, mostly with Mom and Dad about coming back to the church. Over the next 27 years I only attended Christmas eve services and even then missed that for a few years. Then when Dad got sick and he was nearing the end, He started to preach again. He said I needed to be ready for when my time comes. I politely listened and agreed with him. It was a hard thing to do. Religion was one of the biggest wedges between him and I. On his death bed, he couldnt talk anymore, but he still knew what we said. The day before he died I went to see him. He was sleeping. He woke up and looked at me and smiled. At that moment I felt it. I felt the need to tell him that I would see him again. I told him “Dont worry Dad, I’ll see you in heaven. I’m coming there too”. I saw his faded blue eyes lighten up for just that moment and tears start to flow. I hugged him one last time and felt his love. He then looked at Mom pleading for her to come closer. We all hugged for just a moment and then we parted. It was my last moments with him.

It will be 2 years this June that he is gone. I know that I said I would go back , but I have found that I cant go back to that old style religion that the family grew up with. I have recently realized that I am not a Mennonite. This might seem weird to some of the family. I mean, how can I just say that? Well, it wasnt an easy decision. Now that I have let it come out completely, I feel a huge burden lifted. It felt like that first time I sunk my toes into the warm soft white sand of Playa del Carmen’s beach. I felt peace in my heart.

I can now move ahead. I am not fighting that battle anymore. I can find what I really need and I think  I have found it. I am finding my true religion.

It’s been a very long road and that road has had some big pot holes and lots of rocks. Seems the road is changing. No longer the pot holes, and the rocks have turned to gravel. I hope that one day it will be that soft white sand I long for. When that day comes I know I will be at peace with the Sun shining down on me.

To be continued…….

I did have a few girl friends that were close. One in particular I talked with and saw almost daily. She and I were very close for about 9 years. We were like sisters. The only time we weren’t together was when we slept. We went to our homes and in the morning we talked again. I would even go keep her company at work. And when she moved away, it wasn’t long and we moved closer.

When I left, I left her behind. It was a very hard thing to do. I really loved her like a sister. We were 2 of a kind. I miss her some days. Other days I don’t. There were a lot of hurt feelings. Some of those feeling of hurt are still there.

The friends I have now are close, but yet at a distance. I’m afraid to get close. I don’t want to get burned again. Yes, there is good reason to be cautious. It’s a long story and I will tell it some other time.

My friends I have now are good people. Most are online people. Since I spend a lot of time online. I meet people as I travel through the online world. Some stay and become friends and others move along after a few days. The ones that stay I chat with daily, even if it’s just to say HI.

The ones I know in the real world I talk with on the phone from time to time. I’m not much for phone chatting. I keep up on Facebook or Email.

But this is about friends. What are they? They are special. Some are good for a laugh and others will give you a shoulder to cry on. There are those that don’t really care either way as long as it’s about them. Some you can have coffee with and chat about the kids and the weather, but never talk about personal things. There are even family members that can be friends, sisters or brothers that you are so close with that you share every secret with them. Then there are the lucky few that you grow up with and stay best friends all your life. That is a rare friend.

I guess over these last 10 years that I have slowly made my life changes; I have found one friend that I will always keep close to my heart. Yes, it’s Gregg. He is my dearest friend that I will always have. Now, I don’t say this easily. It took him a long time to get this close to me. He knew the pain I went through when it comes to friends. Even after we married, I was still not willing to let him in completely. There is still times where I second guess myself. Wondering if letting him know all my secrets is a good idea.

But, I trust him to never use anything against me; so far I was right in my choice of trust. I have made a best friend in him.

So what is a true friend? Honestly? I think we all have true friends in our lives; we just need to look a bit deeper to see them. Sure, you might pick the wrong one and you could get hurt. But isn’t that part of life? We need to make those mistakes so that we can learn from them. Sometimes we make the mistakes again and again. We wonder if we will ever learn not to. It will hurt for a while. Then we do it again. Then it happens, that one person finally shows you what a really friend should be. That is the person you need to hang on to. Keep them close. You will be rewarded with a great friendship that can even outlast a life time.

Other changes…. As you know I made a choice a couple months ago to take a break from drinking. So far I’m doing great. We did go for lunch  with Gregg’s family last saturday and I had 2 beers. No big deal. See, I can control it when I want too. Anyways, I have been doing fine on that part. The other part is – letting go of my past. This isnt so easy.

I am able to shove my memories into the corner, but then someone crawls out from under a rock and says “hey!” and the past is right there in front of me again. It does get a bit frustrating at times. I mean really, do I want to remember all that shit!?! NO.

As of today, anyone or any bad memories that were in my life before I married Gregg, no longer are a part of my life. I was a virgin bride…lol. Yes I know I have 2 kids, but they are grown up now and I can pretend that Gregg and I adopted them…hehehe

So if you notice that I have removed you from my facebook or my msn, now you know why. You were in my past. I’m sorry if it hurts you but I NEED to be free. I can’t have these memories in my life anymore. I get sad, angry, stressed and I feel like drowning my pain in booze. Plus I take it out on Gregg and he really doesn’t need to hear it.

So that is that! Good-bye past!

Yesterday I started writing again. I forgot how much I enjoy it. I have always enjoyed putting pen to paper. As a kid I wrote stories all the time. I even kept a diary for a while. Till mom found it and I stopped. When I moved out I started again after Matthew was born. That stopped a year later when I realized I had no time and was tired from chasing a kid around…lol

Well you get the picture…its been stop and go through out the years. All the personal journals that I have written through my life are gone. At the end of every year I take them and shred them. I guess I don’t need to have anyone find them. I’ve had 4 people read my journals and I was not happy to say the least. So lesson learned..shred them!

I have been seriously thinking about writing a book. I’m not too sure if this is a good idea. I mean if I write a book about my life will people want to read it? Will it be a memory trip I want to take? I would be stepping into some very dark waters. I’m not sure.

Maybe I will just write my story in my journal and keep it for my boys to read once I am gone from this world. These are tough decisions to make. It’s a journey I’m just not sure I want to go on. There are memories that really just need to stay hidden in the past. But then again, are there things that I did in my life that others could learn from?

Hmmm…..

I guess I’m just a bit emotional this week. I’ve been in so much body pain for the last few weeks. I finally am having some relief today. Maybe that’s why I am emotional? Most days I try to cover my pain. I take painkillers and numb it, and with that comes the numbing of the brain. I don’t have to think or remember. I just do what is needed of me. Some times I feel like a zombie. Living in a haze of nothingness.

I’ve been off my painkillers since Tuesday evening.

Now my brain is awake and working again. I don’t like it. I hate to remember any of my past. There so many bad nightmares that I hate to relive. My head hurts from all the thoughts that are in there. I wish there was a switch to turn it off or a door to close and lock, never to be opened again. I know that can’t happen. What is there, is part of me. It’s what makes me who I am.

I will get past the day and tomorrow will be a new day. Maybe the painful memories will lessen soon. Most likely I will be back on my painkillers and I won’t have to think . Not that I want to take them, I have to. And so the day moves on….

Yup, that’s me with blond hair. Wow, been a while since I was blond.

How about when Gregg was blond? do you remember that? LOL

I’d say we have changed a lot over the 8 years together.

Image by Grant MacDonald via Flickr

I’m a bit blah today. I’ve been sitting here trying to think of something to blog about and I keep coming up blank. So I guess I will babble a bit.

I think I am finally over the flu. Gregg is still coughing a little. We had my cousin Doug’s funeral yesterday. It was a beautiful service. Bagpipes and all. Every sad, but happy he is at peace and no more pain.

Oh, I got a Wii console for my birthday. Plus Wii Fit. I had been wanting one ever since I tried it at my brother’s house. I dropped hints for a month! LOL.. I guess Gregg finally got it for me so I would shut up. So now Gregg has figured out a way to get free games. Its great having a geeky hubby!  We played Wii Music last night and had a few good laughs.

What else? Oh yeah, at 1:30am Dippy came home and I guess he was drunk. He was yelling and punching walls and kicking what ever was in his way. We put up with it for about 20 minutes, but when I heard his girlfriend start saying “no! stop it!” I had enough and called the police. I will NOT put up with that type of shit. I can handle most of the other crap Dippy does, but not that.

Listening to him last night brought the memories rushing back. Its like reliving life with Bob. I hate it! I try so hard to not think about all that shit that happened with him and then Dippy has to bring it all back. I wish Dippy would move.

Anyways, Gregg and I finally got back to sleep after an hour or so. We had to let the police in. After they left it was quiet again and has been since. It wont be the end. Dippy will act up and he will get drunk and rip his place apart again. I wonder how many holes he has punched into the walls down there?

I am off to Wii. Have a new game to try!

To see all the other pics click here

Image by The Gordons via Flickr

Friday and I am still feeling crappy. I had hoped that this flu would almost be gone, but it seems to want to hangout with me. So I will be cuddling Mr.Flu all weekend. I will hug him, and love him so much that he will WANT to leave. I will smother him with my blanket! (Mahahaha!)

Then on Monday I will feel great and have a perfect birthday!   Monday is also going to be a bit sad for me and Gregg too. Last year we were in Mexico. I wanted to be on the beach having a drink on my 40th birthday, and I did just that. We flew out that morning from Seattle and were on the beach by 5pm. It was the best!

It felt so good to have that white soft sand between my toes again. I felt all my worries and stress wash away. I know that I will never forget those 3 weeks we spent there. It was the best holiday I have ever had.

We met a lot of great people down there that we now are friends with. Some live there and others wish they did, just like us. I hope that we will all meet there again in the future. I enjoyed hanging out with all of them. I miss that afternoon beer at La Ranita.

Anyways, I feel bad that I never got around to doing a trip report about our vacation. So I will work on it this weekend.Yes its a year late but oh well!

Oh yeah, I got my 4th sample of makeup. I’ll be doing a review as soon as I feel better. Wearing makeup while sick in bed doesnt work very well.

Image by The Gordons via Flickr

Can you believe it? Its already October. Wow! This year has flown by. Soon it will be Christmas and then a new year. October is one of my favorite months. Yes its my birthday on the 27th, but its more than that. I have always loved October. Even when I was a kid. I love the fall weather. The leaves turning colors and falling to gather around the trees. The crisp air in the early morning as the sun peaks out thru the fog. Yup its a beautiful time.

Its also a reminder that its been a year since our last trip to Playa Del Carmen, Mexico. It doesn’t seem like its been a year. I so wish we could go back again. I miss the beach. The sound of the water as it hits the sand in the evening. Or walking along 5th Ave and finding a cafe to sit and have a drink while we people watch. I miss all the friends we made. I really enjoyed stopping by La Ranita everyday for our afternoon beer. There was always someone there to sit and chat with.

Image by The Gordons via Flickr

We will miss the Halloween party, but we will be watching all the local webcams. That was the best party I have ever been to. We all had so much fun. Glen’s black eye went well with his pirate costume…lol. All I had to do was add the line around his eye so he had a patch.

I hope that we will be back there for the next party in 2009. It could happen.

To Gregg,

There are many things I could say, but the only thing I really need to tell you is…. you complete me.

We are home. I just climbed out of the tub. My I.C. started at noon. I was stressed out about doing the M.R.I. Normally I dont have a problem doing any of these scans but the minute I was inside the tube I freaked out. I felt like I couldnt breathe. So I was taken out and I relaxed, closed my eyes and went back in. I kept my eyes closed the whole time. I knew that if I opened them I would see how close the walls were and I would want out again. It took about 30 minutes and it was done. I’ll get the results in about a week. So that tiny bit of stress started up all this pain. Stupid, I know.

After that we drove into Vancouver. Went to Kitsilano beach and had a snack. Watched all the day camp kids playing in the water. Reminds me of when I was a kid in the summers and how we used to go to day camps. Not because we had to, we just went along for the fun. Back then we would go to the Sunset community center and hang out and do stuff for free.

After that beach we drove down the road and stopped at Jericho Beach for a few minutes and then drove all the way down to UBC and then back to downtown. We parked under Pacific Center and  we headed for a quick drink at the food court. Then I went to H&M while Gregg went to the Apple Store. I saw many items I wanted to buy, but the line up for the fitting rooms and the cashiers were at least a dozen or more people each. Maybe next time. My I.C. was getting bad by this time. I walked out of the store and told Gregg I needed a drink and to relax for a bit.

We grabbed a cold drink and headed back to the car. I had taken my pills when we arrived at the mall, but they werent helping. We decided I needed to get home. When it hurts this much there is nothing I can really do. I just want any clothes that are touching me to be removed and to have a warm bath.

So now we are home and Gregg is making some bread that I can smell already. Not sure what flavor it is. I think he feels like a Baker man with that bread machine…hehehe Anyways, I’m off to lay down and read a new book I just picked up. Ta-Ta!

I did another crazy thing…I went the Internet Movie Database and typed in “christmas“.  1,425 results! Honestly! I never thought it would be that many. I will have to check the list and see what good movies I havent seen in a long time. I think one of my favorites would have to be “A Christmas Story“. That was a great one. I’m sure it will be played a few times through the season.

I did watch a new one the other night called “Shrek the Halls“. It was cute but nothing compared to the oldies. I guess it will get added to the christmas line up. So tell me, what is your favorite Christmas show?

I know! I know! Its the “Yule Log“! I’m right and you know it! It is the BEST! I can hardly wait till its on! I’m sure if you look at your local TV listings you will find it playing sometime around Christmas eve. Here at home I think Shaw cable runs it from the 23rd to the 26th. I know I will be watching it! Oh yes! Crazy I tell you! Just crazy!

WHY I LOVE MOM

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, “I’m tired, and it’s getting late. I think I’ll go to bed” She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day’s lunches.
Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.
Dad called out, “I thought you were going to bed”.  “I’m on my way”, she said. She put some water into the dog’s dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.
She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV’s, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.
About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. “I’m going to bed”.  And he did…without another thought.
Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer…?

CAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL….. (and we can’t die sooner, we still have things to do!!!!)

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It made me think of my mom and how she used to have her routine before bed. Then I remember the routine I had when the boys were little and I had a house full of pets and had to do all those things before I could finally get to bed. Some times I miss those days….NOT!  Well ok, I do miss tucking the boys in to bed every night.

Life is full of hard times, and some where along that hard road there are good times that come along and make life worth living. Some of us just have to work a bit harder at finding the good road. Trust me, we all slip back and fall hard from time to time, but as long as we make it back and try to do the good things in life, all bad things can be forgiven.

Here are the lyrics to the song.

Demons

Demons chasing me

It was perfect!

The top of the cake, the orange part is a big brownie. Well, we never ate it. I wrapped it up and put it in the freezer. Today I have pulled it out and we are going to eat it! Not the whole thing…lol… but I’m sure it will be gone by the end of the weekend.

I wonder how it will taste?

At our wedding we each toasted each other and had a few words to say. I want to share these words with you again Gregg.

Gregg

Sometimes I think back to when we first got together. I remember the talks that went on thru the night. You helped me get thru a lot of tough times. You put up with a lot of things that I said and did. Even when I would tell you to go home, you never complained. I tried to get you to argue with me, cause I really thought that if we didn’t fight then you must not love me…I was wrong. Then when I got sick, you were the one that was there, taking care of me day after day. You were the only one I was willing to have see me like that. You showed me just how much you loved me.

I am so lucky that I have you. Before I knew you, I didn’t even know myself. You helped me find myself and grow into the person I am now. A person that even I can be proud of. I am so thankful for that. You opened up the world for me. You taught me how love should really be. You are the man that I have always looked for but never found, until now. Thank you for being so patient and waiting for me.

Once again, thank you Gregg.