What are Friends?

Over the past 10 years, I haven’t made many friends. To be honest, I can count them all on one hand. When I left my life with Bob, I also gave up all the people I thought were friends. I did have many. Some were just party people and others came by weekly to hang out for an evening.

I did have a few girl friends that were close. One in particular I talked with and saw almost daily. She and I were very close for about 9 years. We were like sisters. The only time we weren’t together was when we slept. We went to our homes and in the morning we talked again. I would even go keep her company at work. And when she moved away, it wasn’t long and we moved closer.

When I left, I left her behind. It was a very hard thing to do. I really loved her like a sister. We were 2 of a kind. I miss her some days. Other days I don’t. There were a lot of hurt feelings. Some of those feeling of hurt are still there.

The friends I have now are close, but yet at a distance. I’m afraid to get close. I don’t want to get burned again. Yes, there is good reason to be cautious. It’s a long story and I will tell it some other time.

My friends I have now are good people. Most are online people. Since I spend a lot of time online. I meet people as I travel through the online world. Some stay and become friends and others move along after a few days. The ones that stay I chat with daily, even if it’s just to say HI.

The ones I know in the real world I talk with on the phone from time to time. I’m not much for phone chatting. I keep up on Facebook or Email.

But this is about friends. What are they? They are special. Some are good for a laugh and others will give you a shoulder to cry on. There are those that don’t really care either way as long as it’s about them. Some you can have coffee with and chat about the kids and the weather, but never talk about personal things. There are even family members that can be friends, sisters or brothers that you are so close with that you share every secret with them. Then there are the lucky few that you grow up with and stay best friends all your life. That is a rare friend.

I guess over these last 10 years that I have slowly made my life changes; I have found one friend that I will always keep close to my heart. Yes, it’s Gregg. He is my dearest friend that I will always have. Now, I don’t say this easily. It took him a long time to get this close to me. He knew the pain I went through when it comes to friends. Even after we married, I was still not willing to let him in completely. There is still times where I second guess myself. Wondering if letting him know all my secrets is a good idea.

But, I trust him to never use anything against me; so far I was right in my choice of trust. I have made a best friend in him.

So what is a true friend? Honestly? I think we all have true friends in our lives; we just need to look a bit deeper to see them. Sure, you might pick the wrong one and you could get hurt. But isn’t that part of life? We need to make those mistakes so that we can learn from them. Sometimes we make the mistakes again and again. We wonder if we will ever learn not to. It will hurt for a while. Then we do it again. Then it happens, that one person finally shows you what a really friend should be. That is the person you need to hang on to. Keep them close. You will be rewarded with a great friendship that can even outlast a life time.

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Making More Changes

Last week for the friday pic share I put up wallpapers instead of my own pics. Well I’m thinking of doing more. I have a HUGE collection of wallpapers and I thought it would be nice to share them. So on Friday I will start doing this. I want to know if this is something that all my followers would like? Or do you want pics that I have taken? if you want wallpapers, are there any requests for something you would like to see?

Other changes…. As you know I made a choice a couple months ago to take a break from drinking. So far I’m doing great. We did go for lunch  with Gregg’s family last saturday and I had 2 beers. No big deal. See, I can control it when I want too. Anyways, I have been doing fine on that part. The other part is – letting go of my past. This isnt so easy.

I am able to shove my memories into the corner, but then someone crawls out from under a rock and says “hey!” and the past is right there in front of me again. It does get a bit frustrating at times. I mean really, do I want to remember all that shit!?! NO.

As of today, anyone or any bad memories that were in my life before I married Gregg, no longer are a part of my life. I was a virgin bride…lol. Yes I know I have 2 kids, but they are grown up now and I can pretend that Gregg and I adopted them…hehehe

So if you notice that I have removed you from my facebook or my msn, now you know why. You were in my past. I’m sorry if it hurts you but I NEED to be free. I can’t have these memories in my life anymore. I get sad, angry, stressed and I feel like drowning my pain in booze. Plus I take it out on Gregg and he really doesn’t need to hear it.

So that is that! Good-bye past!

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New Book

"Earth laughs in flowers."
Image by ginnerobot via Flickr

Yesterday I started writing again. I forgot how much I enjoy it. I have always enjoyed putting pen to paper. As a kid I wrote stories all the time. I even kept a diary for a while. Till mom found it and I stopped. When I moved out I started again after Matthew was born. That stopped a year later when I realized I had no time and was tired from chasing a kid around…lol

Well you get the picture…its been stop and go through out the years. All the personal journals that I have written through my life are gone. At the end of every year I take them and shred them. I guess I don’t need to have anyone find them. I’ve had 4 people read my journals and I was not happy to say the least. So lesson learned..shred them!

I have been seriously thinking about writing a book. I’m not too sure if this is a good idea. I mean if I write a book about my life will people want to read it? Will it be a memory trip I want to take? I would be stepping into some very dark waters. I’m not sure.

Maybe I will just write my story in my journal and keep it for my boys to read once I am gone from this world. These are tough decisions to make. It’s a journey I’m just not sure I want to go on. There are memories that really just need to stay hidden in the past. But then again, are there things that I did in my life that others could learn from?

Hmmm…..

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Some Days Are Better Than Others

Not sure what it was, but a couple nights ago I was laying in bed watching TV and maybe it was something I saw, but I got flashes of memories of Dad. It’s hard to think about him without getting tears in my eyes. It’s happening now as I type. Yesterday I missed Mom. I felt a real need to talk to her. I didn’t call her since she is in California right now. Then today I can’t stop thinking about Colby and Matthew. How they are grown up and adults now and I missed so much of it.

I guess I’m just a bit emotional this week. I’ve been in so much body pain for the last few weeks. I finally am having some relief today. Maybe that’s why I am emotional? Most days I try to cover my pain. I take painkillers and numb it, and with that comes the numbing of the brain. I don’t have to think or remember. I just do what is needed of me. Some times I feel like a zombie. Living in a haze of nothingness.

I’ve been off my painkillers since Tuesday evening.

Now my brain is awake and working again. I don’t like it. I hate to remember any of my past. There so many bad nightmares that I hate to relive. My head hurts from all the thoughts that are in there. I wish there was a switch to turn it off or a door to close and lock, never to be opened again. I know that can’t happen. What is there, is part of me. It’s what makes me who I am.

I will get past the day and tomorrow will be a new day. Maybe the painful memories will lessen soon. Most likely I will be back on my painkillers and I won’t have to think . Not that I want to take them, I have to. And so the day moves on….