So, this is what is making me partly sick. My aunt is in the hospice nearing the end of her battle with colon cancer. I dont know how much long she will hang on. She is a stubborn woman…lol. She wont let go without a fight. I will miss her so much.

Then there is my mom. This is what is so hard to deal with. A few months ago she started having bad headaches. One morning she woke up and her sight was half gone. Over the next couple months it got worse. If I had to guess, I think she has lost about 70% of her sight. She has seen Doctors and had some tests done. They have told her that she has a brain aneurysm and its pushing against her optical nerves. Doctor was surprised that she is still alive. She needs to have another test done to find out if they can do surgery to fix it. If they can do the surgery, she probably wont get her vision back, it could get worse. She could also have a stroke during the surgery. As we all wait for her next appointment, we know she is on borrowed time and that at any given time she can be gone.

So here I sit. Frustrated, angry, sad and tear-less. People are telling me I need to cry. That if I cry I will feel better and be able to handle it. I have tried, but the tears dont come. Maybe I am too angry? Maybe I’m not ready to say goodbye? It’s not fair! Why did this have to happen to mom? and my aunt?

I wish there was someone to blame. Would that help? Probably not.

All I can do is block how I feel and just wake up every morning hoping that mom made it thru the night. I think what really bothers me is that I cant see her when I want. I have no car so that I can just go visit whenever I want. Plus, she is with her sister a lot at the hospice. I know she needs to be there. She is with my sister going to doctors appointments. It just seems that she is never at home. She cant drive anymore. She told me she put away her sewing machine. I guess it’s hard to look at it, knowing how much she loves to sew.

Its interesting how when tragedy hits, we have to give up on certain things in our lives. For me it was my harley. For dad it was the motorhome and now for mom it is her love of sewing. We all have to give up on things as life hits us. I’m sure there are many people who understand this feeling.

There you have it. LIFE. It’s always changing. Today, I wish I could be on a white sandy beach, sipping a fruity drink with my mom in the chair beside me, enjoying her fruity drink. These are the dreams we hope for. If only they could come true.

Since Dad died 2 years ago, I dont think she has really had a break. With remodeling her condo and moving, then her sister having cancer. She really hasnt taken time to just sit and catch her breath. Now she has no choice. I totally understand how it feels to have to just stop. When I hurt my neck, it was the same for me. I had to stop, and watch the world move on without me. It’s a terrible feeling to know that your life has suddenly changed.

She will adjust, as we all do. Hopefully the doctors can help her in some way. With time, she will learn how to live with her poor eye sight.

What else has be going on? Well, Gregg is still working, but not sure for how long. Might only be another month and then back to job hunting. He is hoping that the company will hire him on full time. That would be great. To finally have all those years of schooling paying off.

We pout the cats on a diet..lol. Well, Duncan was going in and eating the cat food. So now we feed them twice a day. They seem to be fine with that. They might even loose a few pounds. Baby REALLY needs to loose about 10lbs. He is huge! Bunny has a tiny muffin top…hehe

Well, thats about all I got for today.

So in the mean time, I have been reading to keep my mind busy. Doing stuff around the condo. Playing on my Wii. I’m not able to to the Wii Fit since the back pain, but I will start again soon. Gregg and I are both back on the diet. I have lost 2 lbs this week so I’m happy about that. He has joined at work, the Biggest loser program. I’m hoping that it will help him keep motivated. Soon as the weather is better and warmer we can start riding our bikes again.

On other news, Mom is having a great time in California. Says the sunshine is nice and toasty. I sure hope she brings the sunshine back with her. We need some! What else is going on? oh! I talked with Matthew and he has decided to stay in town at his job and is working things out with his girlfriend. I was so happy to hear this news. I really hope that things work out for them. I think she is good for him

As for Colby, haven’t heard from him in 2 weeks. He did tell me that he had to put his dog to sleep cause he was very sick. I’m sure it was hard to do. He was my dog and when I had to move out I left him there for Colby. They were best buddies. I guess we all have to deal with live and death through out our lives. Its just hard when the decision is put on your shoulder to decide your best friends fate.

Well, the day goes on….

Image via Wikipedia

Its time again for our annual family Christmas dinner. Every year my Mother’s side of the family gathers at the church gym to celebrate Christmas. Most of us don’t see each other through out the year and this gives us a Chance to catch up.

We all bring some food and have a meal together. The variety is amazing. A potluck is just that, who knows what will show up. We sit and chat and laugh and you can feel the Christmas spirit flowing through the room. The kids play in the gym as we adults sit in the kitchen. And Christmas isn’t Christmas until my Aunt walks in wearing her Christmas vest. Its always a happy time.

This year will be different. We will be gathering, but 2 people will be missing. Dad and Doug. I know that when I wake up on Sunday morning, my thoughts will be on Dad and how Mom will handle the day. She is a strong woman and I know that she will be putting on the smile and be full of Christmas spirit. I also know that deep down inside she will be aching. The first time is always the hardest.

I know my Cousin will have a hard time without her husband Doug there to enjoy this family time. Just like Mom, she is a strong woman and she will be ok too. The families will all be there to comfort both of them, just as we will all comfort each other on this day.

As Christmas is arriving, I know it will get harder day by day for Mom and all us kids. Dad’s Birthday is on Dec.25th. This will be a very sad day. Our first without Dad. I know we will cry that day, but we will also laugh and remember all the good times we had. Plus many more to come.

This year we are also celebrating 40 years in Canada. Mom told me the other day that she still has the bottles of wine from the airplane we were on when we arrived in Canada. I said that this is a good year to open them up. So we are getting together on Dec.20th to celebrate this day.

Mom is also doing a first without Dad this Christmas. She is heading south again. My parents had been snowbirds for about 15 years and gone south for the winter months. The last couple times my brother and his wife have been driving the motorhome since Dad couldn’t do it anymore. So this year the 3 of them are heading out on the 26th. I think it will be good for Mom.

So, as you can see, my mind is here and there today. I am feeling a bit blue. But I’m going to go dig out the tree and turn on some Christmas music and think happy thoughts. Life goes on and we start a new way of Christmas.

My day started off great. Had coffee with Gregg and then went to shower and there I thought about what to do for the day. I do a lot of my thinking in the shower. I got out and told Gregg I would love to hang out with Mom. He said sure. So I called Mom and asked if she would like to go to Ikea. Yup, and the plan was made.

We picked her up at 1pm and headed out. Ikea is about a 30 minute drive from home. We got there and I could see that Mom was excited. She hadn’t been to this big new Ikea. We started in the showroom area and followed the big blue arrows on the floor. Mom got a bit confused a few times as to what direction were headed, but I kept telling her “follow the blue arrows”.

I think she was a bit overwhelemed. There was so much to look at. Plus 100′s of people. Normally it would be me getting confused and dizzy. We both saw a couple items we wanted. She even picked up a mirror for her new condo.

We stopped at the cafeteria for a drink and to rest our feet. We then headed down to the checkout. We paid and got out of there. The three of us decided it was dinner time and off we drove to the Cactus Club 2 blocks down the road. When we got there they told us we would have to wait about 15 minutes. Instead Gregg saw a table open in the bar. Off we went!

It just so happened that it was Hockey night and the bar was very loud and full of people. It was a bit hard to talk. We each ordered a drink, yes, even Mom. and then ordered our food. It was all very good. We were there about an hour. Afterwards, we headed back to Mom’s place.

Once there, we relaxed and watched the DVD we brought over for her of all her slides we had scanned into my PC. I could see that it brought back a lot of memories for her and me too. Its not see to see Dad in them. It must be really hard for Mom to see her whole life with dad in those pictures. But she held it together and didn’t cry. We finally were ready to leave and had a group hug and said good night. It was just after 9pm when we got home. I was still feeling good.

I am so thankful that I had this day with Mom and Gregg. I don’t get many good days like that anymore.

Its Labour day weekend and school starts again for all the kids. YIPPEE!! This means that there will be less teenagers in the stores. They drive me nuts sometimes…lol Especially when they gather in big groups and take over a store. One thing that I do like this time of the year is all the great sales. I just wish I had enough money to buy everything. Gregg and I were at super store on Saturday and they had a huge clearance sale on a bunch of summer clothing. Everything was under 3 bucks. Some nice stuff too, but I didnt buy anything. I have to learn to NOT spend money when I see a great sale going on. Just cause its on sale, doesnt mean I need it. I end up buying clothes that i really dont need even if I do like it and wear it, but I still dont need it.

Anyways, what else has been going on? We went to see Mom’s new condo. Its huge! I think it will be so nice once its finished. She is doing a total make over on it. It will be so good to be able to have the whole family together at her place again. I didnt think I would miss it when they moved from the house to the condo, but I do. Maybe we will do thanksgiving day dinner there this year? We can all bring some food and do a potluck dinner.

Just to update you on my teeth. I am finally almost happy with them. I think I will need to go in one more time for one more adjustment. I think the one tooth is still a bit long, I cant bite down without feeling some kind of pain. The Aqualizer has really been helping a lot with adjusting my bite. So things are better in that department.

My body is a whole different story. From some unknown reason I woke up on thursday with a still neck and it still hurts when I try to turn my head to the right. Left turns are fine but turn to the right and it feels like I am pulling my shoulder up to my ear. I want to do my yoga but I guess it will have to wait till this goes away.

So that’s whats going on over in part of the world.

Thats right, summer is almost gone. We hardly even had a summer this year. Gregg and I did make it to Jericho beach once. The weather has been very different this year. Seems that each year it gets worse. Soon we wont even have a summer. It will just be winter and spring. Just another reason to move to Mexico.

So this friday will be 2 months since dad is gone. Time sure flys. Mom got the keys to her new condo this weekend. Now she is starting on all the reno’s. New flooring and paint. New appliancies in the kitchen. So many little things to get done before she can move in. It will keep her busy.

Gregg and I will be staying home and saving our pennies so that we can return to Mexico again in the near future. I was hoping to go back next year, but it looks like it wont happen. We have to come up with 3000 bucks for our share of a new roof for the condo building. So no more going out for dinners. We have to cut back on everything. Maybe we will make it to Mexico in 2010.

I have some projects I plan to finish this year. I want to get all my scrapbooking done. Get some pictures enlarged for the living room walls. Take out my sewing machine and head to mom’s so she can teach me how to sew since I totally forgot how. Get all our Mexico pictures edited and get the videos off the tapes and on to my pc and burn them to discs. I know there are a few other things I need to do too.

I also want to get back into my yoga and start walking more.

We headed to Walmart to see what we could find. I found a great deal on a set of 3 Starfrit fry pans for 20 bucks. Usually 1 pan costs 20 bucks. I also found a pair of sandals that were 39 bucks regular but were priced down to 5 bucks! They fit great and will look good with jeans.

After Walmart we headed for Zellers and met up with my sister inlaw Gizy for lunch. I got my Jane lipstick and even got Waltrude to try out a new color, 2 in fact. Gizy took off back home, probably to jump in her hot tub. After we said goodbye we walked across the parking lot to the Shoe Company. Where all 3 of us found something we had to have. Waltrude found a nice purse, mom found sleek white shoes and I found cute red sandals. Regular price was 39.99 and on sale 29.99 and I used my points and go them for 22.95 including taxes. Not too bad!

This is the first pair of red shoes I have every bought. I like to stick to neutral colors, but I just could not resist these cuties. I did debate with my inner self for a while in the store. My sister and mom looked at me a bit funny. I finally gave in and did it.

After all the shopping we stopping at Costco for gas 1.29 L. is a good price. Then around the corner to the recycle depot to drop off an old monitor. Finally back here to kick me out and mom and Waltrude are still doing a bit more running around.

We did come up with a few ideas. We have decided that since Mom will have room in her new condo, we will be doing a ladies movie evening once a month. No hubbies and no kids. Sounds like fun to me! I will email all the ladies with the details and we can start doing this in September. Also  I was thinking we can do a “make-up” party. Clothing exchange party, and so many more parties. We will figure it all out.

Let me fill you in on whats been happening. Yesterday I had to go see my dentist again. He gave me a little plastic gadget called an “aqua-nator” that goes into my mouth at bedtime so that I dont clench or grind my teeth while I sleep. Its also going to help relax the jaw so that my TMJ gets a bit easier to handle. It has tiny water bladders that fit on each side between my molars, as I bite on them the water squishes between the two bladders and moves to adjust to my bite through a thin plastic piece that conects them which wraps around my front teeth. its not too bad to where but it is a bit weird. I will be wearing this thingy for the next few days to see what happens.

After the dentist we drove back to Abbotsford and picked up a some photos that we got developed for mom and then headed to her place. We stayed for dinner and went through a couple letters she wasnt sure what to do with. We finally got home at 9pm.

So that was our day. Today I think we are going to relax and just hang around at home. Tomorrow? Who knows.

Its still a bit weird to go visit and not see dad sitting in his chair. This was only my second time there since dad passed away. Tomorrow will be a month that he is gone. It doesnt feel like a month. I miss him. Yesterday at the family bbq over at my brother’s house, mom brought the last few items of dad’s clothes. Some belts and ties and jackets. We all took what we thought we could use. I grabbed 3 ties for Gregg. I also got a sweater that dad wore often, but the thing I really wanted was his Cologne. I guess I just want to be able to smell it once in a while. So I dont forget the happiness.

Anyways, the rest of the day Gregg and I will be working on some pictures from out Mexico trip. I’m finally getting some enlarged so I can put them up on my walls. Once its done I’ll take some pics.