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5:07pm

this post may be a bit jumbled as my thoughts are all over the place this evening.

That is the time my dad, Peter Nickel, left us today 5:07pm June 22 2008. We all gathered at the Mission Hospice to be there for mom and just to be a family. Mom is so strong. She is an amazing woman. For those of you that dont know her, she was always at dad’s side and it may of looked like she did what he said, but in truth, she was the boss most of the itme. Like the saying goes ” behind each man stands a good woman” Well something like that. Well My Mom is that good woman. She made my dad be the best he could be. Now she may stand alone, but dad will be with her in her heart. He is with us in all our hearts.

When they came to take him away from the hospice we all watched them take him. It was hard to let go. I cried as did mom and others. I did go see him in his room before hand. He looked so peaceful. His skin was so smooth and wrinkle free. No more pain in his eyes. No more tears. Just rest.

The other day I had told Gregg that Leaving Bob was the best thing I ever did in my life. Yes it was hard, I lost my boys and everything that I had. But leaving him had given me the chance to get to know my dad in a way that I never knew him. In those 2 years that I lived with mom and dad off and on, I got to know my dad again. I had lost that happy father daughter relationship that we had when I was little. Now I got to know the father that my brothers and sister already knew. Its a gift that I will remember always.

He was a stubborn man. We argured and butted heads a lot when I was growing up in my teen years. He didnt like my choices. He always had something to say. He didnt appove of any of my boyfriends. He tried to get along with them. Kieth and Bob since they were the boys fathers. In the end tho, it was Gregg he took in as family. He knew that from the begining that Gregg was the one that would fit with us all. At our wedding he smiled the whole day.

He always say, even up till a couple weeks ago that I was so lucky to have Gregg, that he is a good man. It felt so good to know that Dad apporved of Gregg. He always worried that I wasnt taken care of. On friday when I saw him I told him not to worry. Gregg is taking care of me now and that he will always make sure I was save and happy. Dad had tears of happiness. He wasnt able to say much, but I could tell he was happy. I hugged him and for the first time in many years I really did feel all the love that dad had for me. I told him how much I loved him. It was the first time in 20 years that I had said it to him. I could feel it, we both could feel the pain leave and I was once again dad’s little girl.

So, to finsh this post, which I need to do I have a poem I was to share with you all. Its just something I found online.

Dad

Dad…so many images come to mind
whenever I speak your name;
It seems without you in my life
things will never been the same.

What happened to those lazy days
when I was just a child;
When my life was consumed in you
in your love, and in your smile.

What happened to all those times
when I always looked to you;
No matter what happened in my life
you could make my gray skies blue.

Dad, some days I hear your voice
and turn to see your face;
Yet in my turning…it seems
the sound has been erased.

Dad, who will I turn to for answers
when life does not make sense;
Who will be there to hold me close
when the pieces just don’t fit.

Oh, Dad, if I could turn back time
and once more hear your voice;
I’d tell you that out of all the dads
you would still be my choice.

Please always know I love you
and no one can take your place;
Years may come and go
but your memory will never be erased.

Today, Jesus, as You are listening
in your home above;
Would you go and find my dad
and give him all my love.

this was set up in Dad’s honor at the Hospice.

Dad's Candle

“Dad, I looked at the sun once you were gone. I felt you warm my face with your love”

Look to The Sky

This past week I have been having a very emotional time. It seems that I cant control my feelings. Yes I try to do my every day routine. I make my coffee and check my email. I pet the cats and give them treats. I talk to my online friends from around the world. I do my blog and read everybody else’s blogs.

The truth is, I wake up in the morning and my first thought is “dad? are you with us today?” I go make coffee, “dad? when was the last time you had a good cup of coffee?” I check my email. I pet the cats “dad loves cats too”. I talk to my friends, “wish I could talk to dad”. Then I sit here and think what to blog about…dad is all I have in my mind. So my posts are about him this week and will be this way till I am ready to move on.

I’m not sure how much more time it will take me to move on. I guess untill Dad finally is gone and I finish all my crying. I have lost people but never someone that means so very much to me. I cant compare this pain in my heart with any other pains I have ever felt before. I have felt my heart break many times in my life but this time, this crack, wont ever be mended.

So I look to the sky on this beautiful day, and smile, for when you are gone, you will be the sunshine that warms me.Dad

Dental Update

Ok…I made it!  I’m still alive!. I have a sore mouth but the jaw feels ok. I guess the pills do make a difference. I had 4 fillings done and my 4 fronts teeth drilled plus my canines lengthened.I had ground them down over the years from grinding my teeth when I sleep. I have temps on for the next week. Feels weird. They feel too big. The canines feel like fangs.

Everything went well. I dont really remember much. I did get a pee break half way thru. I snored all the way home. Gregg did take me to Mc’rottens for some fries, a cheesebuger and a milksake, which I gladly gobbled up. I dont think that I have enjoyed a milkskake that much in many years. We got home and I crashed in the bed for a few hours. Had soup for dinner and had to figure out how to chew without biting my tongue off.

As for Dad, he has been moved to the Hospice today. They picked him up at noon. Mom is there with him and will be there over night. I’ll talk with her again tomorrow. I’m really not sure how much longer he is going to last. I just hope that they help him with the pain and that he doesnt have to suffer much longer.

What a Sunny Day

Today was another long day. Gregg and I picked up mom and drove out to Mission to the Hospice. Its a wonderful place. We found out that every room has a phone so that made mom realize that she didnt need to go get a cell phone this week. We will still get one for her, but there’s no rush. So we decided that we would run out to Langley hospice right away too. We found it. We didn’t like it. It was too much like a hospital. For my I knew right away that I didnt even want to take a look. The smell alone was enough to make me gag.

We left and headed back to mom’s. My sister was there watching dad. We had lunch and talked for a while about the funeral arrangements. Then the nurse came by. She made some called to get the pain patch for dad and to get him set up to be brought to the Mission Hospice. He will be moving on Wednesday. I didnt get to see dad today. He was in bed the whole time. I wanted to see him, but at the same time I didnt want to bother him. I will see him in a couple days once he is moved.

All through this day I have been feeling the sun on my face. While in the car or walking outside. And when the sun made me squint cause it was too bright I thought “dad will miss the sun”. He always loved the warm weather. Dont worry dad, I soaked some up for you.

Test Results

Last week I told you all that dad was going in for a bone scan to see if the cancer had spread to his bones. Well mom got the results yesterday. Yes it has spread and its through is whole body. Its probably why he is in so much pain. He is now on morphine to help with that. I dont know how much time he has but I am going to assume that it wont be that long. I know that once cancer is in the bones, it doesnt take much time to spread through the body. The next days, weeks, how ever long, I’m going to try to see dad as much as I can.

I just talked with mom on the phone. She said that the Doctor came by the house last night. He prescribed some stronger medications. Checked over dad and talked with mom for a while. He has taken dad off some meds that he really doesnt need to take anymore. Like his diabetes, liver and heart pills. She did ask the Doctor as to how long he has and the Doctor has said that it could be days or weeks all depending on how strong he is.

This is going to very hard on Mom. She is a strong woman and we all know she will be ok. She has her family by her side.

I think…

I might be sick. I woke feeling like crap. stuffy nose, sore throat. Not a good way to wake up. Oh well…

Today my sister is taking mom and dad to Burnaby Hospital. Dad needs to get a bone scan again to see if his cancer has spread. He has been in a lot of pain the last few weeks. So much so, that he doesnt even want to walk. He moves from bed to his lazyboy chair. Mom has him on a higher dose of painkillers. I hope it hasnt spread to the rest of his body. If it has then he will be going thru a lot of pain right till the end. Mom has finally asked for some help from the health care unit here in town. She will be having a lady come stay with dad once a week so she can go out and do shopping and such. She needs the break even if its only one morning a week.

Let’s see, what else is happening? hmmmm… We have the fire department walking thru the building this afternoon testing all the alarms in every suite. Should be fun. Baby and Bunny run and hide and freak out. All the alarms are connected. Its going to be noisy today. I hope the weather will be nice this weekend. I would like to take the bikes out and go for a ride around Mill Lake Park. As long as I dont get too sick. Have to wait and see how I am feeling by then.