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New Book

"Earth laughs in flowers."
Image by ginnerobot via Flickr

Yesterday I started writing again. I forgot how much I enjoy it. I have always enjoyed putting pen to paper. As a kid I wrote stories all the time. I even kept a diary for a while. Till mom found it and I stopped. When I moved out I started again after Matthew was born. That stopped a year later when I realized I had no time and was tired from chasing a kid around…lol

Well you get the picture…its been stop and go through out the years. All the personal journals that I have written through my life are gone. At the end of every year I take them and shred them. I guess I don’t need to have anyone find them. I’ve had 4 people read my journals and I was not happy to say the least. So lesson learned..shred them!

I have been seriously thinking about writing a book. I’m not too sure if this is a good idea. I mean if I write a book about my life will people want to read it? Will it be a memory trip I want to take? I would be stepping into some very dark waters. I’m not sure.

Maybe I will just write my story in my journal and keep it for my boys to read once I am gone from this world. These are tough decisions to make. It’s a journey I’m just not sure I want to go on. There are memories that really just need to stay hidden in the past. But then again, are there things that I did in my life that others could learn from?

Hmmm…..

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Some Days Are Better Than Others

Not sure what it was, but a couple nights ago I was laying in bed watching TV and maybe it was something I saw, but I got flashes of memories of Dad. It’s hard to think about him without getting tears in my eyes. It’s happening now as I type. Yesterday I missed Mom. I felt a real need to talk to her. I didn’t call her since she is in California right now. Then today I can’t stop thinking about Colby and Matthew. How they are grown up and adults now and I missed so much of it.

I guess I’m just a bit emotional this week. I’ve been in so much body pain for the last few weeks. I finally am having some relief today. Maybe that’s why I am emotional? Most days I try to cover my pain. I take painkillers and numb it, and with that comes the numbing of the brain. I don’t have to think or remember. I just do what is needed of me. Some times I feel like a zombie. Living in a haze of nothingness.

I’ve been off my painkillers since Tuesday evening.

Now my brain is awake and working again. I don’t like it. I hate to remember any of my past. There so many bad nightmares that I hate to relive. My head hurts from all the thoughts that are in there. I wish there was a switch to turn it off or a door to close and lock, never to be opened again. I know that can’t happen. What is there, is part of me. It’s what makes me who I am.

I will get past the day and tomorrow will be a new day. Maybe the painful memories will lessen soon. Most likely I will be back on my painkillers and I won’t have to think . Not that I want to take them, I have to. And so the day moves on….

Second Round

Guess what?? I’m sick again! Let’s all jump for joy. I can’t believe I am sick. I was sick with the flu just 6 weeks ago and now I have it again. Oh well, I’ll just blame it on my sister, yeah that’s it, I’ll blame her.hehehe

Anyways, I crawled out of bed this morning to see if you all missed me. No, really! I know I miss all of you. I hate being away from my computer. The internet is kind of my life line to the world. I’m at home all the time since I don’t work and we only have one car. I don’t mind it. I like my home. I have gone as long as a month without ever leaving the condo. I really have no problem staying in my cozy home.

So, we had our yearly Christmas family dinner this past Sunday. It all went well. 39 people showed up. It would of been more but a few just couldn’t make it. It was really nice to see the family. There were some that were new this year and some that I hadn’t see in a long time. The food was yummy as always. I even tried out a new recipe and made the family my guinea pigs…hehehe

Mom and my cousin did well and held their heads up and spread the Christmas spirit through the family. I could see it wasn’t easy on them both without their husbands by their sides. It was still a happy time. We laughed and enjoyed the day. Even though I was sick and doped up on cold pills.

We got home just before 8pm and I climbed into bed for the night. I was done. Yesterday I was in bed all day. So today I am up, but not feeling much better. I think I will be heading to bed soon. If you don’t hear from me in a few days then I am probably still in bed sick. I’ll blog when I am feeling better.

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Nothing to blog today

fog & cloud

Image by Grant MacDonald via Flickr

I’m a bit blah today. I’ve been sitting here trying to think of something to blog about and I keep coming up blank. So I guess I will babble a bit.

I think I am finally over the flu. Gregg is still coughing a little. We had my cousin Doug’s funeral yesterday. It was a beautiful service. Bagpipes and all. Every sad, but happy he is at peace and no more pain.

Oh, I got a Wii console for my birthday. Plus Wii Fit. I had been wanting one ever since I tried it at my brother’s house. I dropped hints for a month! LOL.. I guess Gregg finally got it for me so I would shut up. So now Gregg has figured out a way to get free games. Its great having a geeky hubby!  We played Wii Music last night and had a few good laughs.

What else? Oh yeah, at 1:30am Dippy came home and I guess he was drunk. He was yelling and punching walls and kicking what ever was in his way. We put up with it for about 20 minutes, but when I heard his girlfriend start saying “no! stop it!” I had enough and called the police. I will NOT put up with that type of shit. I can handle most of the other crap Dippy does, but not that.

Listening to him last night brought the memories rushing back. Its like reliving life with Bob. I hate it! I try so hard to not think about all that shit that happened with him and then Dippy has to bring it all back. I wish Dippy would move.

Anyways, Gregg and I finally got back to sleep after an hour or so. We had to let the police in. After they left it was quiet again and has been since. It wont be the end. Dippy will act up and he will get drunk and rip his place apart again. I wonder how many holes he has punched into the walls down there?

I am off to Wii. Have a new game to try! 🙂

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Time is Dragging

Beach 2

Image by The Gordons via Flickr

Friday and I am still feeling crappy. I had hoped that this flu would almost be gone, but it seems to want to hangout with me. So I will be cuddling Mr.Flu all weekend. I will hug him, and love him so much that he will WANT to leave. I will smother him with my blanket! (Mahahaha!)

Then on Monday I will feel great and have a perfect birthday! 🙂  Monday is also going to be a bit sad for me and Gregg too. Last year we were in Mexico. I wanted to be on the beach having a drink on my 40th birthday, and I did just that. We flew out that morning from Seattle and were on the beach by 5pm. It was the best!

It felt so good to have that white soft sand between my toes again. I felt all my worries and stress wash away. I know that I will never forget those 3 weeks we spent there. It was the best holiday I have ever had.

We met a lot of great people down there that we now are friends with. Some live there and others wish they did, just like us. I hope that we will all meet there again in the future. I enjoyed hanging out with all of them. I miss that afternoon beer at La Ranita.

Anyways, I feel bad that I never got around to doing a trip report about our vacation. So I will work on it this weekend.Yes its a year late but oh well!

Oh yeah, I got my 4th sample of makeup. I’ll be doing a review as soon as I feel better. Wearing makeup while sick in bed doesnt work very well.

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Labour Day

Gulf fritillary at the farmImage by Vicki’s Nature >> unaltered via Flickr

Its Labour day weekend and school starts again for all the kids. YIPPEE!! This means that there will be less teenagers in the stores. They drive me nuts sometimes…lol Especially when they gather in big groups and take over a store. One thing that I do like this time of the year is all the great sales. I just wish I had enough money to buy everything. Gregg and I were at super store on Saturday and they had a huge clearance sale on a bunch of summer clothing. Everything was under 3 bucks. Some nice stuff too, but I didnt buy anything. I have to learn to NOT spend money when I see a great sale going on. Just cause its on sale, doesnt mean I need it. I end up buying clothes that i really dont need even if I do like it and wear it, but I still dont need it.

Anyways, what else has been going on? We went to see Mom’s new condo. Its huge! I think it will be so nice once its finished. She is doing a total make over on it. It will be so good to be able to have the whole family together at her place again. I didnt think I would miss it when they moved from the house to the condo, but I do. Maybe we will do thanksgiving day dinner there this year? We can all bring some food and do a potluck dinner.

Just to update you on my teeth. I am finally almost happy with them. I think I will need to go in one more time for one more adjustment. I think the one tooth is still a bit long, I cant bite down without feeling some kind of pain. The Aqualizer has really been helping a lot with adjusting my bite. So things are better in that department.

My body is a whole different story. From some unknown reason I woke up on thursday with a still neck and it still hurts when I try to turn my head to the right. Left turns are fine but turn to the right and it feels like I am pulling my shoulder up to my ear. I want to do my yoga but I guess it will have to wait till this goes away.

So that’s whats going on over in part of the world.

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What to Say?

I have been wanting to blog, but I just havent had anything to say. I’ve been doing nothing really. Just hanging out with Gregg on his days off and during the week I just do my own thing. I dont have a car so I dont go anywhere unless I’m walking. I havent been walking a lot. I basically just do stuff at home. Whatever I find to do.

I guess if I had more friends I would go out more. I have a few friends, but their lives are different than mine. Some are very busy with little kids, which I dont have. Others are busy with jobs or just running around doing stuff for others. I’m not complaining. I am fine with that. I talk to them and thats good enough. I dont feel the need to have close friends, and the friends I do have are great.

I guess I like my privacy. I like my alone time. Mom says I need more friends and she may be right. For now I dont feel like I do. Most of my friends that I have had through out my life have ended up screwing me over in some way. So I dont let myself get close to anyone. Gregg is the only one that really knows me well. I dont like to share things about me. I guess that is cause too many times people have used what I have said against me. I dont trust people easily. It took a bit of time before I trusted Gregg. I am very glad that I know I can trust him.

I dont need friends that judge me for I did in my life. Those type of people are not worth my time. I think that if you judge a person just because of the clothes they wears or the mistakes they have made in the past then you are a person that I dont need to get to know. I dont judge you, so dont judge me.

Wow, look at that. I had nothing to say and I said all this. Interesting what comes out of my head when I just start to type. I hope that friends and family understand that this isnt directed at any of you. I was just airing out some thoughts.

Behind In So Many Things

I havent really been blogging much about anything lately. I guess my mind has been elsewhere. With Dad so sick, he is on my mind every day. Mom too. She is looking so tired. Also Gregg grandmother is at a point that we never know when we will get the call that she is gone. Gregg wants to go visit her one more time in July, but I dont want to leave here while my dad is sick. So its a bit of a hard decision to make. He wants to go at the same time as the Calgary Stampede, which will also cost money. Just the drive alone with cost more than we want to spend.

So I have been trying to catch up on all the blogs I read, but I just cant seem to get into them. I have over 300 blogs in my Google Reader. I dont read them all everyday. I would never have time for anything else if I did that. Plus some blogger dont post everyday. I have some favorites that I read everyday. Like my family and friends. I have some Blogger friends down in Playa del Carmen that I keep track of just so I can feel  jealous that they live there and I live here(lol).

I have also been slacking at home. I cant seem to get my home in order. I try to clean and it just seems that it never gets done. I get one area cleaned up and I turn around and there is a mess in a different area. I am at a point where I just want to say “screw it! Why do I bother? Its not like it makes a difference”. I could take all day and clean up, but it wouldnt be clean enough. There are certain areas that I’m not “allowed” to clean, so to me the condo is never clean. Maybe I’m just over-reacting? Maybe I have a cleaning fetish? I dont think so. I’m not a neat freak. I dont need to have everything in its place all the time, I just want things clean.

I think I need to find something to keep me busy. Something other than the computer. I would go for walks but I hate to walk to nowhere. I need a destination. If I lived close to a beach I would walk that everyday. Just the beautiful scenery would be enough. But I dont. I live in Abbotsford. There are no beaches here.

I guess I’m just a bit depressed lately. Its most likely cause of all this grey weather we have been having. I know I have S.A.D.(seasonal affective disorder) and it makes everything worse. I just need some sunshine and I’ll start to feel better. Well I better get started once again on the cleaning. I wish I had my own genie that I could order to do all the work…LOL

 

I can never get enough of this picture. I actually feel homesick looking at it.

Feeling Better

Saw the doctor this week. I was having terrible back pains. Thought I might have a kidney infection, but the doctor at the walk-in clinic said it was pulled muscles. Gave me a slip for some pills(naproxen) and said try to do yoga every day. So I started again with yoga yesterday. I’m hoping that it will be nice this weekend so we can finally take the bikes out and go to the park as long as my back can handle it.

What else is happening? Not much.