Archives

Trying, Starting, Doing

Starting

I have been busy making jewellery. I would like to try to start-up a tiny business and possibly sell some of my items. I am finding it a bit frustrating. I have created a blog and it’s almost ready. Just a few details to iron out. I know that I could just go on Etsy.com or Artfire.com, but they all cost money, something I don’t have much of. Oh well, I will just keep making stuff and hope that people will want to buy some items.

********

Trying

Things have changed lately. There have been some family issues that needed to be talked about and for the most part they are dealt with. For me, I don’t think they will ever be done. So many things have been brought to the surface again. With time they will sink to the bottom of my mind once more. This time I plan to anchor them for good.

********

Doing

With all my health problems I am finally getting a bit better. I still need to get scoped in September. Which I am hoping will let me know if there is anything seriously wrong. In the mean time I am going on the assumption that I have IBS which it connected to my IC. And here is the weird part, Since the tummy problems started last July, my IC has calmed down. I have had about 6 flare ups this past year. Very odd! I do have small 24 hour flare ups when I get stressed, but I can keep them under control. I’m watching what I eat and drink. It’s been since February since I have had any type of carbonated drinks. I’ve cut back on the fake sugars and no more multi-grains or dairy. Fruits and veggies are my friends. I would give up meat but I still like a bit of bbq chicken now and then.

So there you have it! That’s what’s been going on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mixed Emotions

This summer I have connected with some old friends. I make it a rule not to let my past come back into my life. When I do, I usually  end up having nightmares and get stuck in those bad years. Gregg has to listen to me screaming in my sleep or crying. During the day I am unhappy and mopey.

Well, I let some in. I let an old boyfriend back in. I know, big mistake, never let a boyfriend back in. This was different. He was my first, my puppy love. I was 13. I figured it wouldn’t be so bad. I was wrong. We talked, I added him to my facebook. Slowly the memories started to creep back into my head. It’s not that I have bad memories with him, but it was a time of teen turmoil. I was confused. I was running away from home. I ran from him and into a world of drugs and sex and not caring about anything.

Anyways, as we chatted I could feel all those memories creeping back into my head. I was starting to feel depressed and sad. I made the decision to disconnect from him. You have no idea how hard this was for me. I gave up my old life and all the friends connected to it, that was 15 years ago. Since then I have taken on only a couple of friends and even with them I barely talk to. My fear of closeness keeps me from attaching myself emotionally to anyone.

I spent a week just trying to figure out how to write a good-bye letter to him. I finally sent it last night. I felt relief in doing this but also sadness in the fact that I feel he needs a friend to talk to. I just can’t be that friend. I am truly sorry for that. On the good side, I slept through the night, in peace.

Ok so that was the first one.My second one is a bit more complicated. I think i will make a new post for this one.

Been a Long Road

The last couple days I have been feeling a lot of neck and shoulder pains. Those days that I feel it more that usual, I end up thinking about how I got this pain. When I do remember, I still feel a lot of anger and sadness. My anger towards the Chiropractor that did this to me and the sadness I feel that I will have to live with this forever. I guess I have a self pity party for myself. Most of the time I ignore how I feel and try not to get mad, but some days it just stays with me and I am grumpy the whole time. I know that I need to let go of the anger, but it’s so hard. Most of the time I think that I have moved on and forgiven and forgotten. Then the pain and daily dizziness reminds me that I will never be normal. It’s been a long 10 years. Only the last few months have I noticed that the dizziness has calmed to where it’s like a low hum in my head. I know it’s there and I seem to have gotten use to the feeling. There are still moments where I might move too fast and everything will flip side ways, but now it only lasts a few seconds. Where as it use to last a lot longer. I also dont feel like I will vomit when I get dizzy. So, some things have gotten better. I still cant walk a straight line, but I couldnt do that even before the injury…lol

Today I am feeling not so bad. Just my eyes feel sore. Which is one of the things I must deal with daily. I am lucky that since this happened 10 years ago it has improved to where I can handle my daily aches and pains most of the time. It would just be so nice to be pain free, even if it’s just for one day a month. I have forgotten what its like to have no pain. I even feel the pain when I sleep. I guess this is what I have to live with. We all have problems.

Anyways, there is so much that I have changed in my life. I no long am that rebel I was most of my life. I would have to say that I am a completely different person compared to what I was before. I believe it does make a difference who your friends are (even though I never believed it) and how you choose to live your life. I never thought I would live any kind of a healthy lifestyle. I am trying. Temptation is always lurking in the fridge, the liquor cabinet and the snack cupboard. So glad I quit smoking and dont have that urge.

Then there is religion. This is the big obstacle in my life. Ever since I can remember God has been a HUGE factor in my life. As a child I had to go to Sunday school. Then as I got older church services were added. Every Sunday morning was about 3 hours at church. At 10 I remember our Sunday school teacher scaring us into becoming a Christian. I recall running home and going into my bedroom, locking my door and praying for God to keep me from burning in Hell. I asked him to save me.

I was about 12 when I finally told mom that I didn’t want to go anymore. Dad wasnt going to let that happen. At 13 I rebelled….loudly! I was done following them to church. I didnt see the point in going just to see what everybody was wearing. It was like a fashion show. Who had the best dress and who wore the latest shoes. I just didnt understand any of it. When the Pastor talked, I heard blah blah blah. He could have been speaking English, but I didnt catch a word of it. I stopped going the Sunday after Grandma died. I figured she wasnt going anymore then I wasnt either. (i know its a dumb reason. hey I was a kid!)

Since then I have been fighting, well not fighting but disagreeing with my family, mostly with Mom and Dad about coming back to the church. Over the next 27 years I only attended Christmas eve services and even then missed that for a few years. Then when Dad got sick and he was nearing the end, He started to preach again. He said I needed to be ready for when my time comes. I politely listened and agreed with him. It was a hard thing to do. Religion was one of the biggest wedges between him and I. On his death bed, he couldnt talk anymore, but he still knew what we said. The day before he died I went to see him. He was sleeping. He woke up and looked at me and smiled. At that moment I felt it. I felt the need to tell him that I would see him again. I told him “Dont worry Dad, I’ll see you in heaven. I’m coming there too”. I saw his faded blue eyes lighten up for just that moment and tears start to flow. I hugged him one last time and felt his love. He then looked at Mom pleading for her to come closer. We all hugged for just a moment and then we parted. It was my last moments with him.

It will be 2 years this June that he is gone. I know that I said I would go back , but I have found that I cant go back to that old style religion that the family grew up with. I have recently realized that I am not a Mennonite. This might seem weird to some of the family. I mean, how can I just say that? Well, it wasnt an easy decision. Now that I have let it come out completely, I feel a huge burden lifted. It felt like that first time I sunk my toes into the warm soft white sand of Playa del Carmen’s beach. I felt peace in my heart.

I can now move ahead. I am not fighting that battle anymore. I can find what I really need and I think  I have found it. I am finding my true religion.

It’s been a very long road and that road has had some big pot holes and lots of rocks. Seems the road is changing. No longer the pot holes, and the rocks have turned to gravel. I hope that one day it will be that soft white sand I long for. When that day comes I know I will be at peace with the Sun shining down on me.

To be continued…….

One Step at a Time

As you all know, I dont work. And you know the reason why, is cause of my neck injury. Since that happened my life has greatly changed. I have made some very big life changes. I used to be what was called a “biker bitch”. Yes, I was. I had the long bleached blonde hair. I wore the sleazy clothes and even had a Harley to go with the look. I smoked, drank and did drugs. Oh yeah, and I had a very dirty mouth.I got the tattoos to remind me every day of what I used to be. I sometimes regret the tattoos, but they are part of who I am.

Anyways, the reason for this post. I have been having many dreams and nightmares the last few weeks. At first I thought they would just go away. Then I realized why I was having them. Colby’s birthday is on Saturday. When ever I think of Colby a lot, I have nightmares of  his dad(Bob). Bob seems to find his way into my dreams and ruins them. Colby looks so much like Bob that sometimes it hurts to look at him, but I dont love him any less.

I truly love my boys. I have made many decisions based on them. Many of them still hurt and are hard to think about. If I hadn’t of done the things I did, I would not be alive today.

So last week was 11 years that I have been gone from Bob. It doesn’t seem that long. I guess because he invades my sleep a lot. It’s also 10 years that I have been drug free. In the past 11 years I would have to say I have come full circle. I have slowly found myself. I have changed my hair so many times over these years to find the one I feel comfortable with. I finally just found it last month…lol. I thank my niece for that. I have changed my body. Lost all the weight that had followed me most of my adult life. I  had the breast reduction that I had wanted for many years. Now I can go in public and not be ashamed of my size. No need to wear a jacket all the time. I also had the hysterectomy which drastically improved my way of life.

I changed my dirty potty mouth and now “shit” is about the only bad word I use…lol. I also like the word “crap”. My clothes have gone from leathers, black and sleazy to colorful casual patterns. I even own dresses and skirts. As for my look, I am happy with it. I finally like who I see in the mirror.

My stressed, scared and paranoid life is now relaxed, safe and happy. No more looking over my shoulder and wondering who is after me. No more worries about getting hurt. Yes, life has changed.

Now I don’t know if having had this neck injury was a blessing or not, but it definitely made me change. I had no choice. I had to adjust to the new “brain” I was given. I have learned to deal with the constant dizziness. My family has been great over these hard years. Especially mom. But the one I thank the most is Gregg. If he hadn’t of come into my life when he did, I’m not sure where I would be now.

Here I am. In a life that fits me. I have a loving close family. I have a husband that loves me more than all the water in the oceans. I have two grown up boys that love me in spite of leaving them the way I had to. I count myself as very fortunate to have these things and to be able to enjoy them. I am so thankful for every day that I have lived past my 30th birthday. (which I thought would never happen)

Why this post? It sort of went a different route than I had planned…lol I wanted to tell you all about the new business that I am starting. The new step in my life. Finally finding a job that works for me. Oh well, I guess I needed to say all those other things first. Thanks for reading. 🙂

Making More Changes

Last week for the friday pic share I put up wallpapers instead of my own pics. Well I’m thinking of doing more. I have a HUGE collection of wallpapers and I thought it would be nice to share them. So on Friday I will start doing this. I want to know if this is something that all my followers would like? Or do you want pics that I have taken? if you want wallpapers, are there any requests for something you would like to see?

Other changes…. As you know I made a choice a couple months ago to take a break from drinking. So far I’m doing great. We did go for lunch  with Gregg’s family last saturday and I had 2 beers. No big deal. See, I can control it when I want too. Anyways, I have been doing fine on that part. The other part is – letting go of my past. This isnt so easy.

I am able to shove my memories into the corner, but then someone crawls out from under a rock and says “hey!” and the past is right there in front of me again. It does get a bit frustrating at times. I mean really, do I want to remember all that shit!?! NO.

As of today, anyone or any bad memories that were in my life before I married Gregg, no longer are a part of my life. I was a virgin bride…lol. Yes I know I have 2 kids, but they are grown up now and I can pretend that Gregg and I adopted them…hehehe

So if you notice that I have removed you from my facebook or my msn, now you know why. You were in my past. I’m sorry if it hurts you but I NEED to be free. I can’t have these memories in my life anymore. I get sad, angry, stressed and I feel like drowning my pain in booze. Plus I take it out on Gregg and he really doesn’t need to hear it.

So that is that! Good-bye past!

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]

Finally!

phone

Image by ___federico___ via Flickr

I finally talked to Colby. He has just been too busy to call. When I asked what he was doing, he said “not much”. LOL, ok so he hasn’t been too busy. He just never remembers to call me. Typical for a growing Boy. He wants to come down for a visit, but doesn’t want to miss out any work. He will try to come down for a weekend next month and I told him he has to come down for his Oma’s 75th Birthday in May.

What else? Oh, as you know Gregg and I went to Matt & Bree’s for dinner on Sunday. We had a very nice time. dinner was good and I brought over some leftover Christmas baking that I had in the freezer for dessert. Their place may be small, but they have it organized well. I guess its our turn to have them here for dinner soon.

As for me, I have spent all yesterday afternoon and still now in a bad IC flare-up. I had a a rough night with all the pain. Even been doubling my meds. I’m not sure why it has started up. I think it might be either the ice tea I have been drinking too much of, or the new lotion I have been using, or just the stress of wondering where and what Colby was doing. Well I don’t have to worry about Colby, he is fine.  I’m not drinking any more iced tea and the lotion was returned to the store yesterday. Now I just wait for the flare-up to stop. This could take hours or weeks.

On a happier note…. I have lost a total of 5lbs this month. Gregg has lost 8lbs. Slowly going down for both of us. 🙂

One Last Time

I want to start off by saying “I’m sorry this might be depressing”. I once again did something I am very embarrassed about and ashamed. I made the mistake of drinking. With the drinking comes my anger. I seem to get angry and tend to end up crying or fighting with people. I know better than to drink. I know that I don’t have control over alcohol. Once I start I can’t stop. Yes, I know that I’m an alcoholic. I have known this for 25 years.

As always, I was hungover and felt terrible. I still feel terrible. I spent yesterday in bed. Only to crawl out to use the bathroom. Gregg tried to help me get better. Bringing me water and food. I spent a lot of time watching TV and thinking. Well, I realized a few things. I guess you can say I sort of had a wake up call. With all the thinking I did, there were a few thoughts that stood out.

The first one, I need to quit drinking. This is a big one. I have tried over the years to quit or cut back and I can do it. But it only lasts for a few months and then I go on a binge. I end up in bed feeling terrible and saying I need to stop doing this. My decision has been made. As of now I will not be drinking. I’m sure you have heard people say it before. So I’m going to add this. I’m stopping the drinking, but I am not adding “forever”. Forever is way too long and I know I will not make it. I want to be able to go out and have a fruity cocktail on the beach or a beer on a hot summer day. Instead I am just taking a break. How long of a break? Who knows, might be a year, or it might be longer.

Second, I need to deal with a few personal issues from my past. What does this mean? It’s simple, I have to get over it and move on. How do I do this? Well, I have thought long and hard and I guess this will be a work  in progress. I know that my family doesn’t really know everything that happened to me, and I’m not going to dig up the past and talk to any of them about these things. I will go back to what used to help me. I will start writing again.

Third, say good bye. What I mean by this is that I need to close off parts of my life. This is also dealing with memories and past relationships. There are people that are still around here and there that I really don’t want to talk with or hear about. I know that I can’t get away from some of them, but the ones that only cause me sorrow will be getting deleted from my life so that I can be happier.

And the last thing, find happiness with myself. What’s this? Well I asked myself this one over and over. What will make me happy? There are a few thing. Gregg is on the top of the list. He makes me happy. The love that he shows me is pure and truly honest. Its a love that I have never in my life felt so deeply. So I am very lucky. Sunshine, yes sunshine makes me happy. This is a hard one. We don’t get much sun up here in Canada. Maybe, if we are lucky 4 months out of the year. I want to move to Mexico, and this is something we will really have to work hard at to make it come true. I want to be healthy. Oh sure I can put on a good show of looking normal. But I’m tired of being in pain every day. I would give anything to remove all the pain and stop taking all these pills I have. So I am working on this one. I know I can’t be perfect but I sure will give it a try. Religion, this has always been a hard one. I won’t touch this one right now. I will say this, I will be going back.

There you have it. See, I have problems too. My problems may not seem as a big deal to some of you, but for me these have been some major issues that I have been struggling with for a very long time. I have just always put them off and hoped that they would go away. (I have only scratched the surface of my troubles in this post).

I am an emotional person. I feel and think with my heart. Always have. It’s caused me much heartache over my life time. On the other hand, my heart is what has made me do things I might never would have and am thankful that I did. So if I don’t call you or hang out with you for days weeks or months, don’t be offended. Unless you got deleted from my facebook. I’m just trying to move ahead in my life.

Coloring My Hair

Well I have decided to color my hair again. For about 3 years now I have been letting my hair grow. I did like it when it was short, but it was a lot of work. I’ve let my bangs grow out and I really like having them long and out of my face. So length and style are fine. Well, maybe I will get it layered some more so it has some life to it. I guess I need to call my niece and make an appointment.

Anyways, I have never liked my natural color. It’s very mousy looking. It looks greasy even after I have just washed it. It’s a dirty dark blond. So instead I have picked a color that has a similar shade but a little bit darker. What I used is L’oreal’s Natrual Match N5. I really like this color. I have also tried N6 but found it wasn’t a good color for my skin tone.

So here is the pic before color and after color. There isn’t much difference. Its a bit darker and even color.

hair-1

Now I’m going to bleach the hair underneath. I never colored all of it. I tied off a section. The bleaching didn’t go as planned. It was suppose to get blond but it just wouldn’t do it. Plus its hard to see the back of my head so the roots didn’t get done. Oh well I will ask Gregg to do it next time.dscf1765

Next was the purple dye. I used Punky Colors Purple. Just put it in and leave it on for 30 minutes.

dscf1766dscf1768

And there you have it! All done!

Reblog this post [with Zemanta]

Some Days Are Better Than Others

Not sure what it was, but a couple nights ago I was laying in bed watching TV and maybe it was something I saw, but I got flashes of memories of Dad. It’s hard to think about him without getting tears in my eyes. It’s happening now as I type. Yesterday I missed Mom. I felt a real need to talk to her. I didn’t call her since she is in California right now. Then today I can’t stop thinking about Colby and Matthew. How they are grown up and adults now and I missed so much of it.

I guess I’m just a bit emotional this week. I’ve been in so much body pain for the last few weeks. I finally am having some relief today. Maybe that’s why I am emotional? Most days I try to cover my pain. I take painkillers and numb it, and with that comes the numbing of the brain. I don’t have to think or remember. I just do what is needed of me. Some times I feel like a zombie. Living in a haze of nothingness.

I’ve been off my painkillers since Tuesday evening.

Now my brain is awake and working again. I don’t like it. I hate to remember any of my past. There so many bad nightmares that I hate to relive. My head hurts from all the thoughts that are in there. I wish there was a switch to turn it off or a door to close and lock, never to be opened again. I know that can’t happen. What is there, is part of me. It’s what makes me who I am.

I will get past the day and tomorrow will be a new day. Maybe the painful memories will lessen soon. Most likely I will be back on my painkillers and I won’t have to think . Not that I want to take them, I have to. And so the day moves on….